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KARKAT QUEST 1
"Tell Karkat To Do Things" by Kite

Use the arrows at the top of each page to navigate.

"I'm doing this because I'm bored and I guess it's mildly entertaining and time-consuming. I figure if I can't do anything else while in school, I can at least crap out some MSPaint pages for this. Don't expect color in the next pages, either."

For more nifty stuff by Kite go see their index of Kite's multiple portfolios.

If you're using Microsoft Internet Explorer 7 or earlier, some images may not appear; this is because I'm using a standard feature of HTML that every browser's had since 1999, but only one company neglected to implement it.*facepalm*

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are rather ORNERY, ALL THE TIME, but you do have a variety of interests. Incidentally, those interests do not interest anyone, so we will move right along.

You're standing alone in your room, near some of your INTEREST-RELATED ARTIFACTS. Your computer sits idly off to the other side of the room.

What should you do?

> Masturbate furiously.

You don't have time for this bullshit.

> Practice slicing shit up with your sickle.

Wow, you really suck at this.

> get on Trollian and troll someone, you troll.

You get on Trollian and stare blankly at the screen. You hate everyone on your contact list with a seething passion. You wonder vaguely where to begin.

> Attempt autofellatio.

GOD YOU SUCK AT EVERYTHING!!!

> Begin with-- OH GOD DOUBLE RAINBOW

FUCK! YOU ARE SO SICK OF FUCKING RAINBOWS! YOU SWEAR TO GRUB IF YOU HEAR ABOUT ANOTHER RAINBOW YOU WILL BUST A FUCKING VEIN!!

> Troll arsenicCatnip.

Okay, you're not sure why you're trolling this broad, she seems hard to put off, really. But okay.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

CG: HI, IDIOT.
AC: :33 < *the sl33py beast lifts her head from her paws and sniffs the air curiously*
CG: UGH.
AC: :33 < *she opens her two mouths wide in a grin and says, hi karkat!*
CG: HONESTLY I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I BOTHER WITH YOU SOMETIMES.
CG: I SWEAR, YOU ARE AUTISTIC.
CG: THIS IS LIKE,
CG: FACT.
AC: :33 < *ac wiggles her rump playfully and pounces on karkat's pantleg*
AC: :33 < *purrhaps ac will get karkat to play with her for once*
CG: OKAY I'M DONE HERE.
CG: HAVE FUN DOING WHATEVER RETARDED THING YOU'RE INTENDING TO DO.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

AC: :(( < awww

> Get trolled (about rAiNbOwS) by Gamzee.

terminallyCapricious [TC] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

TC: HeY, mY MoThEr fUcKiN BrOtHeR!
CG: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST WHAT DO YOU WANT
TC: HaHaHa, NoT MuCh.
TC: I JuSt wAnTeD To tElL YoU AbOuT ThIs mOtHeRfUcKiN BiTcHtItS RaInBoW I SaW AlL Up oVeR ThE SeA AnD ShIt.
TC: It wAs a mOtHeRfUcKiN DoUbLe rAiNbOw, BrO.
TC: I NeVeR SeEn sUcH InSaNe sHiT!

carcinoGeneticist [CG] blocked terminallyCapricious [TC]

> Troll Terezi. Make sure you work in a few jabs about her disability.

You could never forget to snipe about her disability. You would be disappointed in yourself immeasurably if you forgot. You also take quite a bit of pleasure in trolling this particular girl. Her groans of annoyance are like a choir of angels to your ears. Or the ears of your inner voice that you've developed for her which sounds something like a really whiny asshole bitch.

carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]

CG: WHAT'S UP ASSHOLE.
CG: WAIT, NO, LET ME TELL YOU WHAT'S UP.
CG: I JUST SAW THE MOST AMAZING THING.
CG: IT WAS A FUCKING RAINBOW. ACTUALLY, NO, A DOUBLE RAINBOW.
CG: TWO FUCKING RAINBOWS. IT WAS THE MOST GLORIOUS THING I'VE EVER BEHELD. I ONLY WISH YOU'D BEEN THERE, IT WAS BREATH-TAKING.
GC: YOUR3 R34LLY CUT3 WH3N YOUR3 TRY1NG TO 4NNOY M3 K4RKL3S >;]
CG: WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU JUST CALL ME?
GC: YOU H34RD M3
CG: ACTUALLY I DIDN'T BECAUSE WE'RE TALKING VIA A TEXT CHAT CLIENT, ASSHOLE.
CG: BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT, YOUR PET NAME FOR ME OR SOMETHING?
CG: DO YOU HAVE SOME SORT OF WEIRD FUCKING LADYBONE CRUSH ON ME?
CG: I ALWAYS KNEW YOU WERE A SICK FUCK.
GC: DONT FL4TT3R YOURS3LF V4NT4S
GC: 4LSO YOUR3 R1GHT 1D H4V3 TO B3 4 S1CK FUCK TO B3 4TTR4CT3D TO SOM3ON3 4S OBNOX1OUS 4S YOU
GC: 1 F33L B4D FOR N3P3T4
CG: WHAT? WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?
GC: NOTH1NG
GC: JUST TH4T YOU H4V3 YOUR H34D SHOV3D SO F4R UP YOUR W4ST3 P1P3 TH4T 1 SQU1RM W1TH GL33 3V3RY T1M3 YOU SPOUT WORDS 4T M3 >:]
GC: D1D YOU KNOW TH4T YOU H4V3 TH3 MOST D3L1C1OUS T3XT K4RK4T?
CG: UGH, YOUR WEIRD COLOR SHIT IS DISGUSTING. HOW CAN YOU SIT THERE AND LICK A SCREEN ALL DAY? FUCK.
GC: 4NYW4Y 1M SUR3 YOU D1DNT R34LLY H4V3 4 PO1NT TO TH1S CONV3RS4T1ON B3S1D3S B31NG YOUR USU4L P1SSY S3LF
GC: SO 1M GO1NG TO GO DO SOM3TH1NG US3FUL
GC: 1 SUGG3ST YOU DO SOM3TH1NG S1M1L4R
GC: GOODBY3 K4RKL3S <3 >;]

gallowsCalibrator [GC] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]

FUCK! She makes your blood boil without even trying. Though you suppose everyone does, on standard. Why the hell did you talk to her again?

> Take off your shirt for no good reason.

For some inane reason, you humor this thought. Hm. You are tempted. You are also not entirely sure why.

======>

You indulge your incredibly ridiculous urge to remove your shirt. Why not? No one else is around and they can't see you.

> Realize you failed to bring up Terezi's blindness even once.

FUCK!!!

> hate self immeasurably.

In hindsight, it's actually impossible to hate yourself any more than you already do.

> be the juggalo.

...

======>

Oh. You didn't see you there.
Or something.

Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA and you are currently standing outside of your BEST FRIEND'S RESPITEBLOCK. You came here initially to ask why he blocked you, but you were distracted by the warm glow of a computer screen shining through one of his window-block things. Fucking windows...

> Lick window.

Maybe... just a little taste...

======>

BlUhHh!!!

> You see your own reflection in the glass window... And you think it's one of the most amazing things you have ever seen in your fucking juggalo life.

HOLY FUCKING SHIT

> Deep throat Faygo bottle for no good reason.

Oh, Faygo... your sweet sugary fizzy goodness beckons. Can... can I kiss you?

======>

This was not one of your better ideas. But then, you aren't exactly known for having any idea that could be considered anything other than completely retarded.

> Happen to look outside window and witness what we saw on the last page.

Wh... WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT.

> Quick! Put your shirt back on, you had no idea this Juggalo was boggling vacantly at your shenanigans.

Dear sweet Jesus.

> Being ranting to self about how stupid your so-called friends are.

You rant at the moron outside your room instead.

> Lick Karkat.

Well sure, why not? You did just lick a window. You also stuffed a plastic bottle in your face. This can't possibly be the worst of the trio.

======>

Wrong.

> Gamzee: Weep.

> Karkat: Feel bad.

======>

Well, since he's here, you might as well invite this ass inside.

> Gamzee: Reach over and happily pinch Karkat's nubby horns.

God damn you love Karkat's horns. You've never seen such smooth, glossy head-nubs. And they're so TINY. Holy shit. You have a hard enough time as it is keeping your fingers off those miracle horns, but for a moment your common sense lapses and you reach out to touch one.

======>

Yeah you're not really sure what you were thinking. But that's pretty normal for you so you just roll with it.

> Gamzee: Get into Karkat's recuperacoon.

You're now inside Karkat's recuperacoon. God this thing is glorious. You hang upside down for a few moments, ignoring the bellows of rage from outside, just staring at the colors sliding across the wall of the pod as light bounces off of the viscous slime.

======>

Whoops.

> Gamzee: Sink happily into soopor slime. While you're at it, nibble on some.

Getting some into your mouth was inevitable, really.

> Karkat: Lean into recuperacoon to rage at the idiot inside.

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS RETARD DOING? DOESN'T HE REALIZE HE'S GOING TO HAVE TO CHANGE HIS FUCKING CLOTHES AND THAT HE OBVIOUSLY DIDN'T BRING ANY TO CHANGE INTO? OF COURSE HE DIDN'T BECAUSE HE'S A FUCKING RET-

> Karkat: Accidentally slip inside with him. Rage more.

FUUUCKKKK

> Gamzee: Whilst Karkat is raging at you, use some of the sopor slime as facepaints and draw a pretty pattern on Karkat's face.

You're already covered in slime, so you just reach up and start swirling patterns onto his face. He isn't raging, though. In fact, it's very likely that while he was screaming with his mouth open above you that the sudden dunk into the slime forced quite a bit of slime down his throat.

He is either very, very high right now, or prepping his vocal chords for the most frightening bout of rage anyone has ever borne witness to.

> Karkat: Fondly regard the miracles currently going on all around you.

You can see all of the colors.

All of them.

And it's the most spectacular thing you've ever witnessed.

> Ignore those two loverbirds. Be that crazy feline girl.

You are now the crazy feline girl. Your name is NEPETA LEIJON. You spend your time HUNTING in order to feed yourself. You just finished being trolled by KARKAT VANTAS, a boy you have a crush on. His outrage and insults somehow manage to tickle your fancy. Your drawing-pad computer is sitting around here somewhere. What should you do?

> Knit your best friend Equius some socks.

You don't know how to knit!!

> Consult the "slash" section of your shipping wall.

Your shipping wall is quite a thing to behold. It's enormous. As such, the artist would highly prefer it never be brought up again.

> HUNT

You consider it for a few moments. But no. You suppose you shouldn't. Not at the moment, anyway. You DID just finish eating one of the many types of hoofbeasts that roam the area you live near.

> Become EEEEEEVIIIIIIIL.

That's silly! You aren't evil. :33

> Gamzee: Reenact the famous Hellfire scene from "The Hunchback of Notre Troll", use Karkat as theater props if necessary.

You are quite certain your name is not "Gamzee!"

> Shred up a pillow and roll around in the feathers.

This is incredibly silly! And also really fun.

But these aren't pillow feathers since pillows don't exist on Alternia. You figure some cluckbeast feathers you saved work just as well.

> Troll Gog.

You wonder how in the world you would even go about this. Or for that matter, who "Gog" is.

> Troll Feferi.

Oh, you like her! She's really bubbly and nice.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]

AC: :33 < *ac slaps the water with a paw, gazing d33p into its depths*
AC: :33 < *she licks her big feline t33th hungrily, wondering where in the world a certain fishy someone might be!*
CC: )(i, Nepeta!
CC: Glub
AC: :33 < *ac rolls over onto her back and plays with a floating seedpod*
AC: :33 < *she looks over at cc and says, hi!*
CC: )(e)(e, w)(at's up?
AC: :33 < not much! karkat yelled at me again. :((
CC: )(e does do t)(at a lot.
AC: :33 < but that's okay!
AC: :33 < i am thinking about pawsibly inviting equius over
AC: :(( < i wish you could come over, but you live underwater
CC: I don't )(ave to stay underwater! But I need to look after all t)(ese sea creatures. 38(
AC: :33 < hehe, i bet they are so apurrable!
CC: T)(ey are! I t)(ink -Eridan needs somet)(ing, t)(oug)(. I will see you later!
CC: Goodbye and good luck wit)( -Equius. 38)
CC: Glub glub glub
AC: :33 < ok, bye!

cuttlefishCuller [CC] ceased trolling arsenicCatnip [AC]

> Troll Equius and invite him to your house.

arsenicCatnip [AC] began trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

AC: :33 < *purr purr*
CT: D --> Oh, hello, Nepeta
CT: D --> More of your f001ish games, then?
AC: :33 < *ac shakes her head and saunters over to sit by equius' big scary robots*
CT: D --> Please cut out the e%cruciating roleplaying and tell me what you want
AC: :33 < you should come over to my cave and visit me!!
CT: D --> What
CT: D --> what is this f00lishness
AC: :33 < i'm booooooored!
CT: D --> Has it occurred to you that perhaps I am busy?
AC: :33 < you're not busy
AC: :33 < you don't do anything useful with your robots
CT: D --> Is there some reason behind my presence being asked for at your cave?
AC: :33 < i just said why, you big dummy
CT: D --> Fine
CT: D --> I will humor you
CT: D --> Your motives are dubious at best
CT: D --> But ok
AC: :33 < hurray! *ac gives ct a big happy kitty cuddle!!*

arsenicCatnip [AC] ceased trolling centaursTesticle [CT]

> Ride Pounce de Leon like a mechanical bull.

You decide to do this while you wait for Equius to arrive. It's kind of hard to keep a grip on a big bouncing cat, so you end up riding him more like a... big bouncing cat. This is also incredibly fun!

> Be Equius. Bring a thermos of lusus milk to sustain you on your journey.

You are now Equius.

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK. You are currently tromping toward your BEST FRIEND'S horrifyingly remote cave. It shouldn't take you too long, even with the dangers of the various DEADLY BEASTS that live out here. You also carry with you a cold glass of LUSUS MILK with the gingerest of touches. It will sustain you on your long journey to the cave.

The things you do for this girl.

> Realize you only brought enough milk for the trip there and none for the trip back. Curse your stupidity.

Damnable forgetfulness!!

> Quick, chug the milk before you break the glass!

You lift the glass to your mouth to drink the milk, cursing yourself that you forgot to bring more for the trip back.

> Accidentally trip over a stray rock, spill milk.

You'll have to ask Nepeta if she's got-

FUCK!! THERE GOES THE GLASS, OF CO-

======>

HISSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

> STRONG LONG JUMP the rest of the way to Nepeta's hive cave, to avoid anymore rocks.

You believe you've had quite enough of this blubbering f001ishness, so you jump like the freak of nature you are all the way to Nepeta's cave.

======>

You have arrived.

> Before you enter, and whilst you are sure no one is watching, succumb to the huge urge you have to sing "I feel pretty~" out loud for no apparent reason.

Well... you... you DO feel rather pretty.

======>

Sometimes you like to pretend you're an Elven princess.

======>

Oh god what the hell were you thinking

> Equius: Quick! Rip off your shirt and STRONG FLEX to distract her from your horribly embarrassing antics.

!!!

> Nepeta: Flex back so hard your TRENCH COAT EXPLODES.

Good lord!! You had no idea this girl was so... STRONG.

> Both: Strike a pose and sparkle with strongness.

GOD DAMN THIS IS PROBABLY THE GREATEST DAY OF YOUR LIFE.

> indulge in a STRONG HUG together.

All right, enough of that.

======>

Suddenly you are Gamzee again.

It looks like Karkat is tripping pretty badly over there. You taste the slime again and realize that it's a little old. It needs to be replaced. Karkat's especially intense trip can probably be attributed to the fermenting slime. Crap. You should probably help him.

What should you do?

> Gamzee: CONTACT NEPETA. SHE'LL KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OH GOD OH GOD HURRY I THINK HE MIGHT BE DYING

======>

ALL RIGHT WHERE'S THE INCAPACITATED TROLL???

Wait a second... is she only wearing a bra? Whoa.

> GET SOME LEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAVES

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SOMEONE

GET SOME LEEEEEEEEEEAVES!!!

> Nepeta: MOUTH TO MOUTH! IT'S THE ONLY OPTION.

No leaves are to be had.

QUICKLY! YOU MUST RESUSCITATE HIM!!

======>

IT DID NOTHING!!!

WHYYYYYYYYY

> SUDDENLY, EQUIUS: STRONG WALL BREAKDOWN KOOLAID MAN STYLE OH YEAH.

OH YEAH!!!

> Equius: STRONG MOUTH-TO-MOUTH.

======>

Whoops he's awake.

You can't help but feel a little offended by his reaction, however. You mean, you DID just revive his ungrateful ass.

> Gamzee: Remove shirt. Seems to be all the rage.

You should probably change it anyway.

> Karkat: WHY THE FUCK IS EVERYONE SHIRTLESS

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST

WHY ARE YOU ALL IN MY HOUSE???

> Be Sollux.

Actually, let's just not be a room full of trolls right now.

Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR. Right now, you are standing in your room, bored. You wonder for a few moments what your BEST FRIEND, Karkat might be doing. Then you shudder for some completely mysterious reason and put him out of your mind.

What should you do?

> Flip your glasses around and make your eyes look purple.

eh he he

> Consume mind honey.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES ARE YOU TO CONSUME THE MIND HONEY.

You hate yourself a little bit more just for thinking of doing it.

> Scream "BEES" at the top of your lungs.

BEEEEEETH!!

======>

Wait, they are just harmless mind bees.

God, what is wrong with you?

> Masturbate furiously.

> Masturbate complacently.

You just got done doing that a couple of minutes ago.

Jethuth.

> INTERMISSION.

Uh-oh. Looks like it's getting late. I have been dong this since 10AM today, so I guess now would be a good time for a break. I might not be able to get back to this for a while (or maybe ever if my laptop continues to be a giant douche!) which is why I basically pissed away my day doing it. I'm glad you guys have fun with this. It is really fun to draw! So anyway, I'll be back later. Thanks for participating, and when I get the chance to do this again, I'll probably make a new thread because holy shit this thing is monstrous.


Unfortunately, this is where the adventure cut off. Kite did this whole thing in the space of an entire day, as a distraction from some pretty stressful things that had been going on at the time. This adventure remained untouched and a new one was started. Kite decided to start with a clean slate in the next one:
"tAVROS qUEST, tELL tAVROS TO, uHHH, dO THINGS,"