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This illustrated fanfiction was found in three pieces on Google Docs. It starts out as just text, but the author gets ambitious and goes for plenty of illustrations later.
Supplimentary art for the pesterlogs were taken from the Disgea-like artwork from the Homestuck walkabout flashes.
MSPaintAdventures, Homestuck and associated characters are property of Andrew Hussie, blah blah, use of characters does not imply ownership of same, blah blah, plz dun keel us.
This young troll stands in her respiteblock. It just so happens that today, the 12th bilunar perigee of the 6th dark season's equinox, is the day of this young troll's larval awakening, also known as her wriggling day. Though it was six solar sweeps ago she was given life, it is only today she will be given a name!
Wait. Wait no. It isn't even her wriggling day, what the Hell am I saying? We already know her name, too. She's Kanaya Maryam. Jesus.
No, today is different for another reason. It just so happens that today is the day she stops putting up with all these emotional theatrics, and does something about her sad excuse of a romantic life. It's time to get busy.
Fine then. Let's see what she does about that. To begin with, she'll need to get some help. For all her meddling and fussing, she's pretty terrible at actually making romantic advances on anything that isn't an awfully written piece of rainbow-soaked garbage. She needs advice. She needs a wingman. She needs an expert.
Luckily, she knows just the troll to pester about this sort of thing.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GA: Karkat May I Have A Moment Of Your Time
CG: WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE MOTHER GRUB'S EGG CHUTE DO YOU-
CG: OH IT'S YOU.
CG: ACTUALLY NO I STILL NEED TO ASK. WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT.
GA: Karkat I Have A Favor To Ask Of You Please
CG: THIS BETTER BE GOOD. I'M PRETTY BUSY, DOING REALLY IMPORTANT THINGS. BE QUICK ABOUT IT, I DON'T HAVE ALL NIGHT.
GA: This Is Difficult For Me To Ask
GA: But I Need
GA: I Need Advice Of A Romantic Persuasion
CG: OH WOW HEY WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT, MY SCHEDULE JUST CLEARED UP. AREN'T YOU SO FUCKING LUCKY! SERIOUSLY THIS IS A RARE EVENT, SO MAKE THE BEST USE OF THE PRECIOUS TIME ALLOTTED TO YOU.
CG: SO YOU NEED ROMANTIC HELP. OKAY. YOU'RE NOT ASKING ME TO AUSTIPICIZE FOR YOU, RIGHT?
GA: No No I Am Merely Asking If You Can Advise Me As I Am Trying To Get Over My Current Infatuation And Find A Meaningful Relationship
CG: YEAH NOT GOING TO LIE, EVERYTHING I'VE HEARD OF YOU POINTS TO YOU BEING UTTERLY INCAPABLE OF DOING ANYTHING BUT SPLASHING AROUND THE PALE AND ASHEN QUADRANTS LIKE A HIGH-BLOOD STRANDED IN YOUR HELLISH DESERT. NOW WHAT'S THIS ABOUT A CURRENT INFATUATION.
GA: I Am Not Sure How Comfortable I Am Talking About It
GA: It Is One Sided And She Does Not Return The Feelings Anyways
CG: SHE. OKAY I HAVE A FEW GUESSES THEN.
CG: LISTEN YOU CAN EITHER TELL ME OR JUST STATE WHAT YOU WANT.
GA: How About
GA: I Simply Tell You What I Am Seeking
GA: And You Can Advise Me
GA: And We Can Ignore My Current Leanings
CG: FINE WHATEVER. START TALKING. REDROM? BLACKROM?
GA: I Think Scarlet
GA: With Another Woman
GA: I Am Nervous Even Thinking About This But Yes That Is What I Want
CG: GOD YOU REALLY DO READ TOO MUCH OF THAT BIZARRE SUN-SUCKING COLORFUL CRAP. BUT FINE I CAN HELP WITH THAT. REDROM, ONLY WOMEN. LIMITS YOUR OPTIONS BUT NOT MY PROBLEM YOU'RE SUCH A WRIGGLER AT THIS.
GA: I Assure You My Choice Of Literature Has No Influence On My Romantic Choices
GA: Just Please Advise Me On What I Should Do
CG: SWEET JEGUS FOR ONE HOW ABOUT YOU STOP BEING AS TRANSPARENT AS YOUR LUSUS' WINGS, YOU HOPELESS CLOD. FINE. OKAY LET'S LOOK AT OUR MISANTHROPIC COLLECTION OF FREAKSHOW FRIENDS. IF YOU ACTUALLY WANT TO TRY DATING ANY OF THEM I WILL THINK LESS OF YOU FOREVER.
CG: WHOOPS TOO LATE FOR THAT. MAY AS WELL CARRY ON.
GA: Your Constant Insinuations And Insults Are Doing Little To Help Me Appreciate Your Advice Karkat
CG: GUESS WHAT FANG-FACE I DON'T GIVE A SHIT. MY ROMANTIC ADVICE IS A PREMIUM WHICH YOU GET A DISCOUNT ON BECAUSE I DON'T ABSOLUTELY HATE YOU. CONSIDER MY ABRASIVE NATURE PAYMENT IN FULL FOR MAKING YOU LESS OF A MISERABLE GLOOMY INTROVERT.
CG: GOOD. NOW THAT YOU'VE ACCEPTED HOW AWFUL YOU ARE LET'S GET TO WORK. LET'S SEE. WOW WHAT A CLASSY SELECTION OF FINE UPSTANDING YOUNG WOMEN. FEFERI, NEPETA, VRISKA, AND ARADIA.
CG: HAVE YOU CONSIDERED MAYBE JUST POSTING IN THE PERSONALS?
GA: I Think You Forgot One
CG: WHAT. WHO. THAT'S EVERYONE.
GA: No You Forgot Terezi
CG: OH SO I DID. WELL WE CAN IGNORE HER SINCE SHE'S A BLIND FREAK WHO PLAYS WITH DRAGONS ALL DAY.
GA: Karkat No I Would Like To Include Her Please
CG: GOD FINE WHATEVER. JUST DO YOUR BEST TO NOT MENTION HER TO ME EVER OKAY.
GA: Why Not
CG: SO OKAY GREAT CONGRATULATIONS BACHELORETTE #1 YOUR POSSIBLE SELECTIONS ARE AWFUL AND WILL ALL END IN FAILURE. LET'S REVIEW.
CG: FEFERI IS A BUBBLY FOUNTAIN OF STUPID. SHE'S ALSO HEIR TO THE EMPIRE AND WILL PROBABLY BE MURDERED IN HER SLEEP FOR ALL THE BULLSHIT SHE SPOUTS OFF TO US. HOPE YOU LIKE BEING CULLED.
CG: NEPETA IS A MENTALLY RETARDED LITTLE GRUB WHO ROLLS AROUND IN BLOOD AND SLEEPS IN A CAVE ALL DAY WHILE ROLEPLAYING LIKE AN IDIOT. YOU'D GET MORE STIMULATING CONVERSATION OUT OF A CORPSE.
CG: VRISKA IS
CG: WOW, DO I EVEN NEED TO SAY ANYTHING HERE.
GA: Well I
CG: HEY LOOK AT THAT.
CG: IT'S ME NOT CARING FOR YOUR OPINION SINCE I'M THE ONE DISPENSING ROMANTIC ADVICE HERE. MOVING ON.
CG: ARADIA IS MORE GLOOMY THAN YOU IF THAT'S POSSIBLE AND GOD KNOWS WHAT HER DEAL HAS BEEN SINCE HER ACCIDENT. MAYBE SHE WAS LOBOTOMIZED. HAVE FUN SNUGGLING UP TO A BLOCK OF ICE.
CG: AND WHAT.
CG: I ALREADY SAID SHE'S A BLIND MANIAC WHO FONDLES DRAGON DOLLS ALL DAY. YOU'D HAVE MORE FUN TRYING TO MATE WITH AN IMPERIAL DRONE THAN SPENDING FIVE SECONDS TALKING TO HER.
GA: I See
GA: I Will Keep Her In Mind Then
CG: YOU ARE HOPELESS, MARYAM. GOOD THING I'M HERE TO MAKE YOUR LIFE WORTHWHILE.
GA: Yes Indeed Karkat I Am So Fortunate
CG: SEE, LISTEN TO YOU SPEAKING ALL SANE AND SMART. I TAKE IT BACK MAYBE THERE'S HOPE FOR YOU YET. OKAY THEN FIRST ORDER OF BUSINESS. YOU'RE AN IDIOT AND HERE'S WHAT YOU NEED TO DO.
CG: YOU NEED TO STOP BEING SUCH A SHUT-IN CREEP AND ADVERTISE YOURSELF. STATE WHAT YOU WANT, BE CONFIDENT, TRY TO PUT THE MOVES ON. OTHERWISE YOU'RE GOING TO FIND YOUR HEAD PUSHED SO DEEP INTO THE PALE YOU'LL BE SHITTING DIAMONDS FOR WEEKS.
CG: WHOEVER YOU DECIDE TO WASTE YOUR LIFE ON WILL REACT DIFFERENTLY TO YOUR BUMBLING ADVANCES SO ADJUST YOUR STRATEGY ACCORDINGLY. GET FRIENDLY, NOT MEDDLESOME, LEARN THEIR INTERESTS, INGRATIATE YOURSELF.
CG: ALSO STOP FUSSING SO GOD DAMN MUCH IT'S EMBARRASSING AND UNBECOMING. NOBODY WANTS TO DATE SOMEONE WHO STICKS THEIR FANGS INTO EVERY PROBLEM THAT WALKS BY THEM.
GA: Yes Yes Very Well I Understand
GA: This Is Somewhat Helpful Advice
GA: Tell Me More Of What I Should Do And I Suppose I Will Then Attempt To Make Advances
CG: OKAY GOOD. KEEP THAT IDIOTIC SKIRT ON TIGHT AND LISTEN UP.
Wow that was a lot of pointless and useless words. Let's take a look at this misanthropic collection of classy ladies, and see what you think about them.
Well. She's a pretty loaded choice, you admit. Nevermind you'd basically be dating the highest of bloods in the entire troll species, she's also secretly devoted to changing Alternian society forever. You've basically already pledged your loyalty to her, too. Maybe being closer to her would help? Or maybe you'd just get culled in your sleep. Still, she is a sweetheart. And she does say she basically swims in a rainbow ocean of blood all the time. You... well. That appeals for reasons you shouldn't take seriously.
You suppose you'd start by asking to visit her at her palace, or someplace near the ocean. Oceans are romantic! Especially ones filled with blood.
Okay fine she is sort of silly and strange and covered in blood. It'd be weird. It'd be like dating your little sister, if you had any concept of what a little sister was. Then again, she may hide an exceptional intellect behind the feral demeanor. And she's also quite infatuated with blood... ugh! Maybe Karkat's right about your choice of books influencing you. Anyways, the other issue is Equius. They're morails in a truly pale way. He'd be... problematic.
To begin, you'd have to somehow deal with her asking Equius for permission to even meet with you for a friendly day together. Maybe follow her on a hunting trip.
Yeah this'd be a nightmare. Only you don't know why it would be. Her oddly prophetic and cold nature is sort of appealing to you, seeing as you're also prophetic and kind of cool in demeanor. Only she's dead, and you don't know that. And there's STILL the issue of Equius, which you ALSO don't know. Damn. You'd have to win her trust, somehow get her a new body, deal with Equius, and also deal with her psychotic breakdowns. She'd be so much easier to deal with when alive! She was a lot prettier then, too. Still... you would get to choose the blood to supply her robot... shit! Not again!
You guess you'd have to talk her up first, try to break through the ghostly facade. Figure out what her deal is. Then get her a new body. Easy, right?
You don't know why Karkat is so touchy about her. If you weren't such a romantic idiot it'd be plain he has a crush on her he refuses to admit. Still. Terezi is smart, witty, aggressive, and exotic in her own way. She loves colors and fabrics too, a definite plus. And her sense of smell and taste thing? It's pretty cool, you have to admit.
Yes, fine. You'd also be interested to hear her opinions on the smells and tastes of various kinds of blood. Whatever.
You'd figure it'd be easy to approach her, actually. Just outright ask if you could come over, and then try putting the MOVES on. While all those plushies sit there.
This is going to be a tough one. Granted, if you tell Karkat, he'll reply back you've been a passive-agressive nitwit by not telling her how you feel, AND will probably trigger your guilt from saying she coulda been stopped from doing half of her self-destructive antics if she had someone to be close to. You guess the lesson here is to shit or get off the load gaper.
You'd have the hardest and easiet time with Vriska. You're already in love with her, God knows why, and it'd give you a head start. It could be the best thing you've ever done for one another. Or a huge fucking horrible mistake.
What would you do? Sheesh. You'd invite her out to your hive, maybe. Appeal to her sense of being tough! Not admit anything right away, but... feel stuff out. Try to bust past that tsundere facade. Become an iron in her fire. Yeah!!!!!!!! Wait no you mean Yes Of Course
You'd think you wouldn't have much trouble from the boys, either. Haha, wrong! Karkat is crushing on Terezi, Eridan is psychotically in scarlet with Feferi and in the caliginous with Vriska, Equius has his sweaty paws all over Nepeta's well being and Aradia's chassis, and Tavros has his own Hell being linked to Vriska. The only ones not an obstacle right away are Sollux and Gamzee. Not that it helps.
What? No. Nooo, come on. Why is this even here we were done. Utterly absurd. She's been dead for billions of years! Plus she was probably like some sort of incredible pink blooded Troll Goddess and progenitor of your own universe or something. She'd never have given you the time of day. Still, there... there is this email address in the FAQ. So dumb. You can't send emails to dead people from that long ago. Like she'd even respond if she was alive! Dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb!
Oh but that lovely pink color, that magical majesty, that... ugh. Fine maybe you'll send a pretend love letter just to get it off your mind. Sheesh.
Troll Jegus pissing wine into a bottle, you may as well become a nun now. Let's see what you have to keep track of. Okay, cool. Easy.
We got the four quadrants for each lady, their quadrants relating to each other, more quadrant meters for the boys and how they relate to one another, the filial pail emblems, the fashion fabulosity frame, 19 mental and physical stats, the sopor slime abuse gauge, a chainsaw criterion, more meters to rank how well you handle criticism of your awful rainbow drinker fanfiction postings, the fussy-fang-fulcrum-fan, a nervous breakdown counter, the thoughtful gift grab-bag, you and karkat's shared suaveness-sickle rater, the trolling quota axis, the diamond-shit load gaper of loneliness (don't fill it up or its game over!), and just like 30 more bloody screens of crap to track in a nightmare conflagration of hurt feelings and incredibly improbable misunderstandings. There's even a fucking EXP meter for killing monsters and doing fetch quests.
Christ. You'd almost prefer the world was being peppered with meteors to dealing with this hoofbeast shit. Troll romance sure is fucking ridiculous!
LOADING... FILE 100% LOADED
PLEASE SELECT YOUR TROLLBOT
OKAY AWESOME. Let's see how things work out when you decide to try dating...
This is possibly the worst idea you've had since falling for a psychotic spidergirl. But wow, what do you know, you love dangerous women.
Feferi is SORTA dangerous, you guess? Like, for a given value of dangerous; she's not even all that different from Vriska on paper! They both have a ravenous lusus to feed; one of them just happens to have the entire world on the line if she doesn't.
fuck fine so they're NOTHING alike but Feferi could still be dangerous and bold and unstable and oh wow let's just talk to Karkat he's here for a reason
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
CG: OH GOD NOT AGAIN
GA: Yeah Again
GA: I Have Made A Decision
GA: Regarding My Choice Of A Desireable Romantic Partner In The Scarlet Quadrant
CG: THE WORLD IS ALREADY IN MOURNING.
GA: Would It Trouble You That Deeply To Not Interrupt My Every Revelation
CG: MAYBE IF YOU OPENED THE CONVERSATION WITH 'DURRR KARKAT I BEG OF YOU TO HELP ME I WANT TO DATE (INSERT IDIOT HERE) AND AM HELPLESS WITHOUT YOUR ADVICE AND GUIDANCE' I'D BE MORE AMICABLE. SPIT IT OUT.
CG: WHAT ABOUT HER?
GA: I Wish To Attempt To Forge A Closer Relationship With Feferi
CG: OH MY GOD WOULD YOU END THE FLIGHTY HORSESHIT AND BE SERIOUS.
GA: I Am Being Utterly Serious Karkat
CG: LISTEN, THERE'S THIS ONE MESSAGE BOARD I KNOW, I COULD HAVE YOU HOOKED UP WITH SOME PRETTY LITTLE MORON IN UNDER AN HOUR WHO WOULD PUT UP WITH YOUR SNARKY BROAD ROUTINE.
GA: Dammit Karkat If You Refuse To Take Me Seriously I Will Seek Advice Elsewhere
CG: OKAY OKAY, LIKE I SAID BEFORE, JUST RELAX AND KEEP THAT STUPID FABRIC TUBE HIKED UP.
CG: FINE, YOU WANT TO DATE THE FUTURE EMPRESS OF ALTERNIA, BY WHICH I MEAN FUTURE BAG OF SEA FERTILIZER. WHY IN THE FUCKING NAME OF THE IMAGINARY MAN IN THE GREEN MOON WOULD YOU WANT TO DO THAT.
GA: We Are Already Friends For One
CG: WOW, YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH HER. GREAT. DID YOU NOTICE THE OTHER NINE BULGE-BITERS SHITTING AROUND ON YOUR CHAT LIST? YOU'RE FRIENDS WITH THEM AND I DON'T SEE YOU EAGER TO DROWN YOURSELF TO SLIP UNDER ANY OF THEIR SKIRTS.
GA: Now Just Hold On Dont Jump On Me So Quickly
GA: I Am Her Tailor
CG: WAIT. YOU MAKE HER CLOTHING?
GA: Well Yes
GA: I Design And Sew Them And Everything
CG: OH MY GOD.
CG: THIS JUST
CG: EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
GA: Im Going To Ignore That And Continue To Harass You For Meaningful Advice
CG: WHATEVER. SO YOU WANT TO SOAK YOUR HEAD TO MAKE IT WITH THE GOD DAMN EMPRESS. CAN'T SAY I DON'T ADMIRE YOUR SUICIDAL AMBITIONS.
GA: She Is A Good Person Who I Like Talking To As She Does Not Incite Strong Negative Emotions
GA: Really She Is Not Very Dangerous At All
CG: ARE YOU SERIOUSLY THAT DENSE?
GA: What Do You Mean
CG: I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU BUT SHE'S INCREDIBLY DANGEROUS. LET'S RECAP, SHALL WE? MOST OBVIOUS, SHE'S THE MOTHERFUCKING FUTURE EMPRESS OF THIS LOVELY CONGREGATION OF PERSONABLE INDIVIDUALS. BUT WHAT'S THIS? WOW, SHE APPARENTLY WANTS TO DO ALL THIS RIDICULOUS SHIT AND CHANGE MILLIONS OF YEARS OF SOCIAL INTERTIA IN ONE REIGN. IT'S NOT LIKE SHE HAS THE CURRENT EMRPESS READY TO TURN HER ASS INTO A BUFFET TABLE OF STUPID-COLORED SUSHI.
CG: OH WAIT YES SHE DOES. THIS CAN'T GO WRONG AT ALL.
GA: Well Still
CG: BUT WAIT! THERE'S MORE.
CG: WHY ISN'T HER CORPSE ALREADY GLUBBING ITSELF SILLY WHILE IT FEEDS HER DERANGED PETTING FARM OF AQUATIC MISCREANTS?
CG: AH, RIGHT, HAD TO CHECK, IT'S BECAUSE HER LUSUS IS A FUCKING COLOSSUS OF DEATH AND TERROR THAT IS GOING TO KILL US ALL IF IT MISSES SNACK TIME OR STUBS ITS TENTACLE-TOES TOO HARD.
GA: Knowing This I Still Want To Try
CG: AT LEAST YOU'RE BEING FIRM ABOUT THIS. STUBBORN, HOPELESS, DOOMED TO DISSAPOINTMENT, BUT FIRM.
GA: Good To Know You Have So Much Faith In Me
CG: OF COURSE I HAVE FAITH, YOU'RE BEING GUIDED BY THE HAND OF A MASTER. THERE'S NO WAY YOU CAN FUCK THIS UP.
GA: Very Well
GA: Ill Have Faith In You Too
CG: DAMN RIGHT YOU WILL. NOW GO AND TRY NOT TO FUCK UP TOO BADLY.
GA: I Suppose You Will Expect A Report Or Something Equally Aburd Which I Will Provide
CG: GREAT! GOOD LUCK.
GA: Oh Before I Go
CG: WHAT? MAKE IT SNAPPY.
GA: I Made You Some Grub Cookies
CG: WAIT, YOU DID?
GA: Yes They Should Arrive Within A Day Or So
GA: Just A Thank You For Your Support
CG: OH. WELL, THANKS.
Your quest for love and the least number of grievous bodily injuries has begun. With Karkat as your patron, how could you go wrong?
karkat has provided manual that is big as stupidly-dressed twig of body. it provide a tutorial on how make your and will tell everything you need to know for the basics.
Peruse the 800,000 page TROLLMANCE FOR ASSHOLES tome?
But thou must!
But thou must!
Christ, fine. Go in blind, see what I care.
You have confidence. Like, okay, so Karkat's concerns were pretty tremendous and valid. But you don't care. You said you were going to CHANGE your meddling ways, damn it, so you'll see this through.
(The world is already in mourning.)
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling cuttlefishCuller [CC]
GA: Hi Feferi
CC: Kanaya, )(-EY!
CC: )(ow are you? 38)
GA: Just Fine I Suppose
GA: How Are You
CC: Well, I'm kind of -EXCIT-ED!
GA: Ok Why
CC: B-ECAUS-E tuna)(ead, I just got t)(e new skirt you made for me!
GA: Oh Really
GA: Did You Find It To Your Liking
CC: Y-EA)(! It fits perfect and is basically t)(e best glubbing gift I've gotten in a W)(IL-------E! 38D
GA: My Sympathies Go Out To The Shout Pole There
GA: Struck Down In Its Youth
GA: Strange You Call It a Gift
CC: W)(y's t)(at?
GA: Im Not Sure
GA: I Suppose I Never Saw Them In The Context Of A Gift
GA: Merely As Sharing The Results Of My Love For The Craft With Someone Who Appreciates It
CC: I GU-ESS! But you dont make anyt)(ing for anyone else, do you?
GA: Now That I Think About It
GA: I Dont Think So
GA: Im Not Sure Whether To Be Amused Or Dissapointed
CC: Don't be sad! I like w)(at you make. I am always excited w)(enever you send me somet)(ing! Believe me, I get a W)(AL-E'S TAL-E wort)( of junk from people, but I like your stuff t)(e B-EST!
GA: That Does A Great Deal To Assauge My Ego
GA: I Suppose It Makes My Decision Seem More Enticing
CC: W)(at decision is t)(at?
GA: You Know
GA: Peculiar Musings Regarding The Circumstances And Placements Of Emotions And Feelings Within A Hypothetical Shape Bisected Once And Then Again Such As To Separate Their Meanings And Interactions With One Another Into Equal Parts
CC: W)(at t)(e glub.
GA: Yeah What The Glub Is Right
CC: You're acting AWFULLY FIS)(Y.
GA: I Can Assure You Everything Is Normal
CC: Glub glub glub glub.
GA: Feferi There Is No Need To Glub At Me
CC: GLUB GLUB GLUB GLUB. 38|
GA: You Are Getting Excited Over Nothing
CC: Now I KNOW t)(at SOM-ET)(ING is up! Tell me!
GA: Im Not Sure This Is A Topic I Actually Want To Broach
CC: O)( I )(ave my WAYS.
CC: Watc)(! I am standing )(ere and poking you wit)( my trident to get you to spill the sardines!
CC: ------E KANAYA
CC: ------E KANAYA
CC: Poke poke.
GA: Glub Glub
CC: 38O !
CC: Girl you are angling for a S-ERIOUS PRODDING )(-ER-E!
GA: Just Trying To Be Cordial
CC: No, you are being -EVASIV-E and W-EIRD and SILLY. Is somet)(ing wrong? 38(
GA: No No Nothing Is Wrong
GA: I Am Sorry If I Gave You That Impression
GA: Listen If I May Change The Topic
GA: I Think
GA: I Would Like To Make An Invitation
CC: Invitation to w)(at? You got me -EXCIT-ED now!
GA: Let Me See If I Can Word This Sensibly
GA: I Would Like To Invite You To A Locale Of Your Choosing Where We Could Perhaps Take The Time To Speak With One Another In A Fashion That Facilitates Our Getting To Know Each Other Better Beyond Merely Having Contact Over An Electronic Medium Such That We Can Explore Emotional Bonds And Ideas With The Hope That We Could Forge A Stronger Understanding Of Our Interests
CC: T)(at was a lot of carping words. 38/
GA: I Suppose It Was
GA: I Should Get Going Anyways Ive Much To Attend To
GA: Sorry Feferi But I Should Head Off
GA: See You Around
CC: O)( MY GLUB.
CC: O)( MY GLUB!
GA: Not Gone Yet What Is Wrong
CC: O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB O)( MY GLUB!!!! 38D
GA: What What What
GA: I Would Type What Some More But I Am Unsure I Could Match Your Glubbing Prowess
CC: KANAYA MARYAM.
GA: That Is My Name Last I Checked
CC: AR-E YOU
CC: ASKING M-E OUT
CC: ON A DAT--------------E!?! 38D
GA: My Usual Emotional Calm Has Sort of Ignited Into An Unpleasant Swirl Of Viridian Across My Visage
CC: T)(AT IS ADORABL-E.
GA: I Think In Respose I Need To Do The Thing Where I Dont Say Anything
CC: SO AR-E YOU?
GA: Still Doing The Thing
CC: O)( MY GLUB YOU AR-E. 38O
CC: I am going to R-E-EL YOU IN until you say for SUR-E!
GA: If It Means Being Exposed To More Nautically Themed Wordplays
GA: Then My Hand Has Been Forced
GA: I Am
GA: That Is An Impressive Array Of Flying Forks
CC: Glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub glub!
CC: I am so )(appy I am wearing one of my fis)(es as a )(AT. 38D
GA: Is That Good
GA: So Uh
CC: Y-ES I will go on a date wit)( you. 38)
GA: Guess We Could Work Out The Details Then
CC: Y-ES W-E WILL. You're )(ooked into t)(is now! I s)(ould go t)(oug)(, but I'll be back to let you know, okay?
GA: Sure Thing
CC: O)( my gos)( I am so going to wear one of t)(e dresses you made for me and t)(is is all so --EXCITING!
CC: KANAYA BY----------------------------E!
Okay! Well! You almost fucked that up royally (ha-ha), but you guess Feferi is a little more perceptive than you thought. Wow. There you go. You have now SCORED A DATE! Congratulations are in order, you suppose. This is kind of exciting!
I mean, let's ignore the dire implications. You're just going to do a little victory-ditty right here and calmly prepare after reporting to Karkat.
caligulasAquarium [CA] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CA: WWHERE ARE YOU
CA: SHOW YER FANGED FUCKIN FACE
GA: Oh Dear
CA: DONT YOU "OH DEAR" ME FUSSYFANGS
CA: IM KNOWWIN WHAT YOU DID
CA: I HEARD THE NEWWS
GA: Eridan While I Have Suspicions May I Ask What I Have Done To Offend You
CA: HOWW ABOUT I RESPOND BY SHOVIN A BIG FAT BLUE LASER DOWN YER FLIGHTY BROAD THROAT
GA: That Would Be Rather Uncessary Eridan
GA: Cant We Talk This Out
CA: SURE THING KAN
CA: ILL BE RIGHT OVVER
Let's just get on with the stat gains and other unwanted crap.
You completed Stage 1 of the Royal Romancer quest!
* 1,345 XP gained for the Feferi-Flushed quadrant.
* 670 XP gained for the Karkat-Pale quadrant.
* 189,675 XP gained for the Eridan-Caliginous quadrant.
LEVEL UP! Romance Level 2!
7 HP gained!
1 Mangrit gained!
OH BABY! Guts went up by 8!
3 Fashion made fabulous!
Defense increased by 2.7!
10 points spent to increase Ethereal Forces by 1!
Imagination went down by -12!
Murderous Intent crept up by 1!
Fang Length extended by 1cm!
Likelyhood to be culled in your sleep raised by 3%.
Acquired new power: PSI Snark Ω
Found 120 gold.
ALERT PHASES: 0
ENEMIES KILLED: 0/120
GRUBLOAVES CONSUMED: 1
YOUR RANK FOR THIS MISSION: D-
Yours and Karkat's shared suavness-sickle rater has been sharpened upon the slick-shit whetstone! Awesome work.
You've forged a social link with Karkat!
KARKAT WILL NOW DIE FOR YOU.
CG: HOLY SHIT NO I WON'T, FUCKNUTS.
Max out your Pale level with him and he will CONFIDE IN YOU WITH HIS DIRE SECRET THAT WOULD GET HIM KILLED.
CG: OH MY GOD NO STOP, SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH AND CUT OUT YOUR TONGUE OR I SWEAR TO JEGUS I WILL.
oh my god Maryam just hit the fucking start button already so we can skip the next 70 screens of this bullshit PLEASE
PLEASE DO NOT PRESS RESET WHILE THE GAME IS SAVING
Where the fuck did you put that memory car-- oh! There it is. Okay, here's your and Karkat's save file. Loadin' it up.
You are so not ready for this. You're doing everything you can to not just totally flip your shit and projectile-discharge your grub cookies out the window. You have been pondering one way of inducing calm, but it's very foolish and irresponsible! Mother would not approve.
But man, you're shaking like a discount space shuttle here. Maybe just one taste, to take the edge off.
Only one. Of this delicious, succulent, extra-blurry sopor pie. You could pretend it was blood, even. ...neon green blood. Maybe yo--
Shit. Well, there's Vantas with the save. Just as well, talking with him should get your head on straight. No need to start adding to the Sopor Slime Abuse Gauge.
Preparing for dates with beautiful and powerful women is hard. It's hard and nobody understands because they're pelting you with rocks as you complain.
carcinoGeneticist [CG] began trolling grimAuxiliatrix [GA]
CG: OKAY MARYAM. THIS IS THE BIG DAY. OR NIGHT. WHATEVER.
CG: KANAYA? YOU THERE?
GA: Yes I Am Here Karkat I Apologize For The Delay
CG: THE ONLY THING YOU NEED TO APOLOGIZE FOR IS NOT BEING READY FOR YOUR DATE YOU SUN-SUCKING GLITTERGHOUL.
GA: If Only I Were Such A Creature
GA: My Romantic Confidence Would Be Augmented Tenfold
CG: YEAH WELL TIME TO DROP THE PUERILE FANTASIES, YOU'RE NOT NITRAM. PULL YOUR FANGS OUT OF THE PAGES OF YOUR IDIOT BOOKS AND STOP MAKING OUT WITH THE INK BEFORE YOU CHOKE YOURSELF STUPID. LET'S TALK STRATEGY.
GA: You Are Quite Eager Arent You
CG: YOU'RE A GARDENER. SO YOU UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I SAY THAT I AM THE GREAT BRINGER OF LIFE AND JOY, AS I TILL THE BARREN SOIL OF YOUR QUADRANTS, POURING FORTH WATERS TO WASH OUT THE STAGNATION OF STUPIDITY, WHISPERING LIKE A FUCKING FEVERED HORTIDRUIDIST TO LURE UP THE WITHERED SEEDS OF LOVE THAT LAY SMOTHERED UNDER THE WEIGHT OF YOUR INABILITY TO MAKE A MOVE ON ANYTHING THAT ISN'T SITTING IN A BOOKSHELF.
GA: That Was Quite The Metaphor
GA: Where Are You Going With It
CG: RIGHT INTO YOUR FUCKING NOOK IF YOU HAVE ANY SENSE. START BLOSSOMING BY SHUTTING UP AND PICKING AN OUTFIT.
GA: There Is A Problem
CG: OH GOD. WHAT IS IT. WHAT PROBLEM COULD THERE POSSIBLY BE FOR SOMEONE WHO DEVOTES EVERY FLESH-BAKING MOMENT OF SUNLIGHT TO MAKING DRESSES.
GA: It Is Somewhat Complicated For One Who Does Not Get Fashion
CG: OH, DO EXPLAIN. I'M CHANNELING MY ANTICIPATION SO HARD THAT MY NAILS ARE GROWING OUT JUST SO I CAN CHEW ON THEM IN WAITING.
GA: You Must Understand
GA: I Told You I Made Feferi All Of Her Dresses
GA: She Said She Would Be Wearing One
GA: Not Knowing Which One Leaves Me Unsure Of What Sort Of Dress I Should Choose
GA: Or If I Should Wear A Dress At All
GA: If We Clash Or Match Too Much Or Do Not Create A Pleasing Contrast I Just
GA: I Have No Idea What I Would Do
CG: I NEED A MOMENT TO COMPOSE MYSELF
CG: OR ELSE I'LL SPEND SO LONG SCREAMING AT YOU ABOUT THIS THEY'LL FIND MY MUMMIFIED CORPSE STILL MASHING OUT FURIOUS DIATRIBES LONG AFTER EVERYONE WE KNOW IS CULLED AND GONE.
GA: Well If You Could Not Do That As I Try To Decide
CG: I HAVE A BETTER IDEA. WE ARE PRESSED FOR TIME.
GA: What Do You Suggest
CG: EXACTLY. I'LL SUGGEST SOMETHING.
GA: No You Cant Possibly Be Serious
CG: YES I AM. I'LL THINK OF AN OUTFIT FOR YOU TO WEAR.
GA: Now It Is My Turn To Make Exaggerated Threats Of Textual Fury So Intense That I Am Rendered Dead From Exhaustion
GA: In Short Absolutely Not
CG: OH PLEASE. I HAVEN'T LED YOU ASTRAY YET, IT'S NOT MUCH ASKING YOU TRUST ME WHEN I SAY I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING. YOU CAN EVEN COBBLE IT TOGETHER FROM THE EYE-SEARING WASTE DUMP YOU CALL A WARDROBE.
GA: Trust You
CG: YOU MEAN YOU DON'T?
GA: No I Am Just Musing The Question To Myself
GA: I Do Trust You
GA: But I Ask A Condition Be Met For Me To Do This
CG: FINE, ASK AWAY.
GA: You Must Become My New Model
CG: YEAH FINE.
CG: WAIT. WAIT NO.
CG: SHUT UP. STOP TYPING WHATEVER STUPID THING YOU WERE GOING TO TYPE. MODEL?
GA: Its Obvious
GA: If I Am Going To Initiate a Relationship With Feferi Then I Need Someone To Replace Her When It Comes To Sharing My Enthusiasm For Fashion
GA: If You Are Willing To Accept Non Flushed Gifts Of New Outfits And Take Advice From Me On The Subject
GA: Then I Am Willing To Wear Whatever You Suggest
CG: I WANT TO SAY YOU HAVE TO BE KIDDING ME, BUT YOU'RE ALMOST INSUFFERABLY SINCERE ALL THE FUCKING TIME. FASHION IS ONE OF THE STUPIDEST, MOST IMMENSE WASTES OF FLEETING TIME IMAGINED, AND YOU WANT ME TO BECOME YOUR NEXT FABRIC FRANKENSTEIN.
GA: Those Are Less Kinder Terms Than I Would Use But Yes
CG: OKAY THEN. SURE.
GA: You Mean It
CG: YEAH, I DO. TRY NOT TO SNAP OFF YOUR TWIGGY HORNS IN DISBELIEF.
GA: I Admit I Expected More Of A Fight
GA: A Very Tiresome One
CG: PUSH OFF, LIPSTICK BREATH. THERE IS A VERY EXCELLENT REASON WHY I AGREED, THAT BEING I AM YOUR GUIDING LIGHT IN THE DANK TUNNEL OF MISERY YOU CALL THE DATING SCENE. IF YOU TRUST ME ENOUGH TO LISTEN TO MY ADVICE, THEN I HAVE TO AT LEAST PRETEND I HAVE A GRUB'S LENGTH OF CONFIDENCE IN YOU.
GA: Im Sorry
GA: That Really Means A Lot To Me
CG: HEY AS MUCH AS I'D LOVE TO LOCK HANDS AND TAKE A GIGGLING LEAP INTO A PRISMATIC PILE OF DISCARDED DRESSES TO DISCUSS OUR FEELINGS, MY POINT REMAINS. YOUR DATE IS IN A FEW HOURS AND YOU NEED TO DRESS THE FUCK UP. CRAM A JAR OF GRUB SAUCE INTO YOUR FANGED MAW AND GET READY. RELAX, FEEL CONFIDENT, AND LISTEN GOOD, BECAUSE HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GOING TO DO.
...okay. Well. Okay, fine. His choice wasn't what you'd pick, but he solved the dress worry easily; you won't wear a dress, you'll just wear some nice pants and a shirt. It was the sort of thing where it seemed obvious to an outsider who had watched a million bad romcoms, but not to you in your panic. You cobbled it together and it fits fine enough, so, bam.
Get Equipped With: Casual Dude Duds.
There you go. Can't complain, really. But, no time to waste! You went light on the makeup to keep it consistant with the outfit, and now you're ready to head out to your meeting spot. Your Mother Grub will fly you, and hopefully you'll have a rousing evening. Karkat gave you some good advice, like;
CG: COMPLIMENT HER ON HER HAIR.
CG: PICK UP THE FUCKING TAB UNLESS SHE INSISTS 50/50; THEN YOU INSIST BACK ONE MORE TIME, AND THEN YOU CAVE WHEN SHE INSISTS BACK YET AGAIN.
CG: LAUGH AT THE FISH PUNS. EVEN WHEN INTERNAL BLEEDING STARTS TO SET IN, LAUGH AT THEM.
CG: KEEP AN EYE OUT FOR HIGH VELOCITY FAYGO MISSILES.
CG: AVOID GETTING BLOOD ON YOUR SUIT WHEN THE IMPERIAL ASSASSISNS CLOSE IN.
CG: AT DINNER, DON'T HAVE WHATEVER SHE'S HAVING AT ALL COSTS.
CG: THE YAWN ARM THING? NEVER DO THE YAWN ARM THING. NIX THE YAWN, JUST DO THE ARM. THE YAWN IS TOTALLY ONLY FOR NOOKBITING TEEN ROMCO- I MEAN FOR WRIGGLERS, WHICH YOU'RE NOT.
CG: DON'T. FUCKING. MEDDLE.
Okay okay great thanks DAD that's enough advice for one date, ease up.
Still, he did suggest you pick a gift to bring. You better do that. Let's see what options you have on hand. Some of them seem... uh. Risky. Wow, or just wildly inappropriate. You'll have to pick very carefully.
After about 3 seconds of deliberation, you settle on just giving her that JADE CUTTLE PLUSHIE you made. You're not even sure why you considered picking anything else.
Either way, you're ready to go! Yeah. You...
Uh huh. Hmm. You're just gonna, uh, stand here and shuffle your feet for a bit. Stare at the wall. Awesome. Maybe you'll just put this off for a wh-- wait what was that splashing noise eerily reminiscent of the hollow echoes of a loveless and pale and lonely future?
Okay holy shit you're going already!! No need to add more diamonds to that thing. Let's roll, Momma G. Your little girl has a fish to catch.
Gonna be a lengthy and dangerous flight, full of action and explosions and stuff.
<INSERT INEXPLICABLE SIDE-SCROLLING SHOOTER MINIGAME HERE>
Wow! that sure was fun and graphically impressive. Good thing it's all over and you're safely at your destination. Awesome. You're so nervous you're about to give Equius competition in the hyperhidrosis department. Either way, here you are at the beach, waiting for Feferi to arri--
The fuck? You can barely read that, and... first year student? What?
You think you'll turn off the graphics-heavy interface, make things go quicker. Whatever. You just gotta get ready and bring up the menu to start the scene.
oh piss in a pail there go the meters
Thank God, here she comes. Okay you can handle this. Same old Feferi; happy funny fish girl. You wonder what dress she picked? Most of them were pretty casual and colorful and fun. Unless of course she picked...
mother of mercy no she picked that dress
Keep your cool, Maryam! Karkat is counting on you.
You quickly present your opening gift.
Feferi seems to like it! It... it fills up some meter. No idea what it means. You'll just roll with it.
Nice. You two start by spending some time meandering down along the beach, chatting it up and being sort of your usual silly selves. You've calmed down just enough to not constantly stumble over your words. This isn't so bad! You spent so long convincing yourself that you needed to engage in some torrid bloodthirsty epic of romance, that you didn't think it'd be easier to start with something a little less freaking insane. She's very funny (despite the horrible fish puns) and seems to genuinely like you!
So now you think it'd be gYou walk together, hand in hand down the winding beaches of the Alternian coastline, a warm wind on your backs.
What. What was that? ...oh! You guess the process of advanced courtship has begun, right. You did turn off the graphic interface. Gotta keep calm and smooth. You think yoShe steps delicately upon the pale sands, regal in her every move, yet bashful as she looks sidelong at you. Above, the twins moons shine bright and full, surely a good omen. Is it coincidence that they sparkle with the colors of your shared blood? You think not.
Hey. You didn't think that! Feferi isn't even looking at you right now. The moons aren't really near the color of blood anywYou stop at a small grassy hill, and turn to face one another. You can feel your heart swell as she smiles at you; surely you are the luckiest guy in the hemospectrum, to be so close to the Heir Apparent herself! Her fins glisten in the moonlight, her face tinted pink, as she leans in close tHEY.
Asshole. First of all these lines are being really gender-insensitive. Second, you're both kind of just dwadling here with your feet in the water, chatting. But you guess you should take a chance, your AUGUSTINE AMOUR AURA is nearly maxed out, allowing you to PUT THE MOVES ON.
Okay, so it seems you have a drop-down menu to pick an action from.
...huh. Yeah. Uh.
Oh wait, that arrow leads to a second page you can op-SWEET BUTTERED BEEF ON A BRISKET. Look at this list. What the Hell are you gonna choose?
So the first page isn't that hot. Ehhh. Some of these options are just really bad looking. May as well scroll down and see what else there is.
*click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click* *click*
... Christ this is taking a while. Good thing the world is inexplicably frozen while you make up your mind. Wow. The choices are getting more and more bizarre. So fucking many of them. You don't know if-- hah! There we go. LAST option; seems safe enough.
All right, here you go! You're doing this. You're making this haYou return the gaze to her pearl colored eyes, brushing back your hair with a smirk. She looks away, fins flaring shyly. Ah, but the rose in her cheeks; she knows what's to come. You cup her chin, turning her head towards yours, the sea breeze blowing her ebony loDAMMIT HEY.> You're trying to have a moment hcks about her curving horns. You lean in, and she starts to tremble so softly. "O-onee chan... I..." her dark lips open as she bends her head fofuck's sake you are not gonna let this moment be ruined. Piss OFF.
Watch; you lean in, doink, kiss her on the cheek when she's talking about cuttlefish or something. THERE. It doesn't have to be a federal fucking issue.
Oh. Uh. She looks kind of... stunned. Is that a good thing? Maybe you should blow a few units of Musclebeast Tears and Subjuggulator Pie Filling to summon Karkat and see what he has to say about this.
Wait. Wait hold on.
...well, you're not sure what that meter means, but it just maxed the fuck out.
H-hey. Why is she looking at you like that? Did you do something wrong? Or maybe right. You're not sure what to d--
FEFERI: LV.78 MAKEOUTTECH -> ORAL GYRATIONS OF THE SOVEREIGN SENSATION
Kanaya: Succumb to unfathomable tuna.
you're awake jesus
what the hell happened
You appear to be mostly alive, and close to the drop spot where your lusus is to pick you up. Your recollection of what happened is hazy. Did it go well? You decide to consult the CHAINSAW CRITERION for reference.
You, you think you'll just, uh. Not reference it again anytime soon. Still, it's a positive sign! You do recall a giggly-glubby "W-E MUST DO T)(IS AGAIN SOM-ETIM---E! Nig)(t~ 3;D" somewhere in there, so, yeah. You decide to talk to Karkat to let him know the deal.
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
GA: Are You There
CG: OH FOR SHIT'S SAKE FINALLY, THERE YOU ARE.
CG: ARE YOU OKAY?
CG: DID IT GO WELL?
CG: IS ANYONE DEAD?
CG: DID YOU LOSE ANY BLOOD?
GA: Karkat I Am Fine
GA: I Think
CG: WELL YEAH, OF COURSE YOU'RE FINE. JUST GOING DOWN THE CHECKLIST OF POSSIBLE FUCKUPS YOU WERE MOST LIKELY TO MAKE.
GA: Is That So
CG: QUIT BEATING AROUND THE BUSH AND GIVE THE DETAILS, ROMEO.
GA: Im Mostly Positive It Went Well
GA: I Think That We
GA: Discussed 18th Century Politics
GA: Wait No Nevermind
GA: I Am Certain It Went Well And She Wishes To Go Out Again
GA: Bodily Harm Was Kept To A Minimum
CG: THAT IS SUCH GREAT NEWS.
GA: I Have Never Seen You So Elated Before
CG: WHAT? GO PISS OFF A CLIFF, MARYAM. I'M ALLOWED TO BE HAPPY THAT MY INCREDIBLE TUTELAGE HAS SAVED A MOSTLY SANE FRIEND FROM A DOOMED FUTURE OF CULLINGS.
CG: I MEAN, YOU ARE HAPPY ABOUT THIS, RIGHT?
GA: I Am Smiling Very Broadly
GA: And I Am So So Grateful To You For Your Help
GA: You Are A Good Friend Karkat
CG: I AM THE BEST KIND OF FRIEND ANY OF YOU SORRY BULGEBUMPERS COULD EVER HOPE TO HAVE.
CG: NOW QUIT HAVING SLOPPY MAKEOUTS WITH MY FEET IN PRAISE OF MY ROMANTIC ACUMEN AND GET YOUR RAGGY ASS BACK TO YOUR HIVE BEFORE THE SEADWELLERS MOVE IN AND TURN YOUR HORNS INTO A NEW SET OF CUTLERY.
GA: Okay Karkat
GA: I Will Talk To You Later
GA: Im Going To Make a Face Here To Help Show You My Mood
grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling carcinoGeneticist [CG]
Karkat is secretly very, very happy for you, and overjoyed he's actually good at giving romantic advice. Your shared suaveness-sickle rater has been sharpened upon the slick-shit whetstone once more, and has managed to become sharp enough to thresh a row of moon-pale WHEAT OF BROMANCE, which is cooked in the BROVEN to make you both a fresh and mighty BROWICH.
You both eat it gladly, even if it could use a little grubsauce. You are both infused with nourishing BROTONS.
Your pale XP meter with Karkat has maxed out and leveled up!
You advance to BRO LEVEL 17: WELCOME TO THE BROTEL CALIBRONIA.
You successfully resist the urge to pop your collar and put on a sideways hat.
This has been such a good day. You better get home, and clean up. Karkat's warning --
Oh for the love of cod. You mean God.
You guess you forgot that troll romance can get pretty damn deadly.
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(Developer disclaimer: Dating sims are not a replacement for actual troll interaction. Going over your allowance of dating sim playing time will result in censure by the Imperidal Drones. If you are found lacking in your quadrants, an immediate culling will take place.)