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Red Dead Virgo
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Red Dead Virgo is possibly the most popular of the "bloodswap" stories, where the same character are used but trading their histories and upbringing. It started with a sprite-edit of Kanaya Maryam to have the mutant candy-red blood, and how this made for a harder life in the rigid chromo-caste system of their world. Then short scenes of fanfiction were written by the sprite artist, adamantApoplectic, and this alternate universe took on a life of it's own. The RDV episodes were published in pieces on Google Docs, and advertised on the fan *chan boards.
(top-right: 'red dead Kanaya' by wafflebat. All illustrations during the story and intermission are by adamantApoplectic, based on work by Andrew Hussie. Illustrations in the fanart section are credited by individual authors)
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Table of Contents
Red Dead Virgo
Your name is Kanaya Maryam. You'd probably be BETTER OFF DEAD, but you still have a JOB TO DO. You're an OUTCAST and a FUGITIVE. Turns out it was a REALLY BAD IDEA to reveal your freakish MUTANT BLOOD COLOR. At least you still have a few friends who love you, which is about the only thing KEEPING YOU ALIVE!
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
GA: Hello Vriska
AG: KANAYA!! There you are!! Where have you been?? I've been worried ssick about you!!
GA: Vriksa I Apologize As Sincerely As I Can
GA: Ive Been Relentless And Sleepless Trying To Get To Your Home
AG: Okay, ssure. Ssorry. You're just being totally bussy doing really dangerouss sstuff and totally jusst leaving me in the lurch. It'ss fine!!
GA: You Know That Isnt True
GA: I Am Trying My Damndest To Use A New Route To Shelter With You For A While And I Extremely Appreciative Of You Doing That For Me
AG: Yess yess you're being sso brave and crafty. Jusst ssauntering over to my place nice and eassy, leaving me in the dark for weekss on end. Perfectly cool.
GA: I HAVE TRIED SO HARD TO BE GOOD ABOUT KEEPING YOU INFORMED WHILE NOT COMPROMISING YOUR SAFETY
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] is now an idle troll! --
AG: Come on ansswer me.
AG: Pleasse? }:(
GA: Im Sorry I Completely Lost My Temper Again Im Sorry Vriska
AG: Sstop!! Sstop ssaying ssorry you dumb girl, I'M ssorry I made you mad. I'm jusst worried, okay?? Worried and really ssick of bad breakss for you. Really worried and tired and wisshing you'd get here already!! Esspecially ssince it may be the lasst time you can sstay at my place before they figure me out at lasst! And that SSUCKS!!
GA: I Am Still Sorry I Lost My Cool
GA: I Am Just So Tired And Sort Of Beat Up Bad
GA: Please Dont Worry Since This Should Be The Last Time I Need To Stay With You Or Anyone
AG: Right right. Before thiss game the otherss are obssssessssing over can be played and we all leave thiss Hellhole behind. Are you really ssure about that?? Ssounds too much like a bunch of bullbeasst droppingss to me!!
GA: Vriska I Can Promise
GA: As True As My Blood Is Red
GA: That The Game And Our Dreams Are Real
GA: We Will Escape All This And Go On To Something Better
GA: And I Also Promise That I Will Make This All Up To You
AG: Okay okay!! You know I believe you. Dumb ass it ssounds. Jusst hurry the HHell up and get your rred assss over hhere ass ssoon ass possssible!!!!
GA: You Just
GA: Make Me Feel So Appreciated When You Get All Worked Up Like That
AG: Oh FFUCK YYOUU!!
AG: Why'd you have to reveal your blood color anywayss?? }:/
GA: Because I Was Tired Of Being Scared
GA: And Because I Believed My Dreams Which Said It Was Necessary For Our Game To Be Successful
GA: Otherwise The Others Might Have Outright Turned On Me Without The Exposure
AG: I guessss. }:|
AG: Good thing I love red ssneakerss sso much, huh?? };D
AG: Anywayss, I'm gonna pesster that idiot Tavross. Make him buy uss ssome more time. He'ss sso gullible!! That way we can patch you up and maybe get thiss sstupid game going at last. Sso hurry up and get here! I wissh I could be the most awessome moirail ever (which I AM) and manipulate all your purssuerss to jump off a cliff, but I'm not like that freak Karkat. I only got ssway over animalss and being ssuper great at FLARP. Sso I'll cook you an awessome grubloaf or something instead. Whatever.
AG: JUSST HURRY UP!!
GA: Yes Maam Be There By Sundown
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] ceased trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
Okay, good. You'll reach her little country hive by nightfall. You're at your rope's end anyways; any longer on the run between safehives and you're pretty sure you'd expire. It was unexpected that you'd end up at her place when the game began, but you count the small blessings. There's nobody you'd rather be with when the time came for you all to leave your miserable world behind. Miserable for you, anyways.
You love her. Even though you know she has eyes for that indigo-blood... it's okay. There's too much to do, and too much already done, for you to care too much about it. You appreciate her for all she's risked and done, and WILL make it up to her. You've got your dead lusus' claw, knowledge of what's to come, and the best friend you could ever hope for. You would never compromise that.
You also have your dreams. They've been the only place you've been able to find real solace. Soon, they'll be more than visions.
Your name is KANAYA MARYAM.
Today is not your wriggling day. Today is not the day you begin a game with 11 other friends. Today is really any other day in the grand scheme of things, maybe a Tuesday if we want to go by the standards of a planet that does not yet exist.
Today is special in its own way though, as it is the day you decide to make the BIGGEST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE. Sadly, forces you do not understand, even after many sweeps of dreaming upon a golden moon, have decided this is what must happen. Either way, you're going along with it because you also think it's what must happen.
You live in a small and quiet neighborhood near the farmlands. Really, where you live and what your interests are don't matter for much longer. Right now you have made a decision to reveal something about yourself. You've kept it anonymous for a long time, out of necessity. But you hate lying, and are very bad at it. You want to believe you could possibly change your society by being open about your secret.
But really, mostly, you're just tired of being so scared. You have been so consumed with fear over your condition that it's affected your life. You know there will be consequences, but you'll do anything to finally stop the endless gnawing in your stomach every time the issue brushes close, which is pretty much every single day. Your problem is without precedent, as far as you know, so who's to say it'll end badly? It's worth a shot. You believe the clouds of your dreams.
So you decide to talk to someone you know and trust above all else. You don't trust her just because she dreams on the same moon as you do, though she has not yet awakened. Nor do you trust her simply because funny things happen to your heart whenever you do chat with her. You trust her because, of everyone you have ever known, she's the only one you have never felt sick about the idea of telling her what was wrong with you. Instead, you've felt guilt for NOT telling her. So she'll know first, for better or worse.
Though maybe you're telling her first because you're also terrified you're completely wrong about how she'll feel. Insecurity is awesome like that. Wow you're sweating up a storm like some kind of freak here. Only a different kind of freak than the one you are. Okay jeez you sent the message and can't back out now. Here we go.
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
GA: Are You There
AG: Kanaya!! Hey. What'ss up. }:)
GA: Do You Have A Minute To Spare For Me
AG: You mean I need to sstop sshoveling manure and unclogging the load gaper and watering the dolorcorn and raking the roof and hauling imperial tribute to the cylindrical grain tower to sspare a minute for YOU?? }:o
GA: Ill Go
AG: Kanaya you dummy!!
AG: That wass a JOKE. Ha ha, laugh laugh. I already did that like two hourss ago! Even if I did have to do it of course I got a minute to sspare for you, okay??
GA: Sorry Vriska I Am Incredibly Nervous Right Now
AG: What?? Why??
GA: I Need
GA: I Have Something I Need To Tell You
GA: That Is Very Important And Scary For Me
AG: Yeah?? You got my attention!! I'm here for you.
GA: Okay I Am Going To Be As Blunt About This As Possible
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] ceased trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
GA: Hi Again
AG: Who is thiss??
GA: Vriska Its Me
AG: Oh jeez, sso it iss. Ssorry.
GA: Well Ah
GA: There You Have It
AG: Wait. Wait wait wait. Are you sshowing me your blood color?
AG: Oh jeez!! Why didn't you ssay sso, ssilly?? }:p
AG: Wow. You've been sso quiet about it with the gray and sstuff. You sset it kinda bright though. Didn't think you were a maroon!!
GA: Vriska Listen
GA: I Am Not Maroonblooded
GA: This Will Likely Sound Somewhat Bizarre
GA: And You Can Judge Me As Much As You Want As Long As You Accept It As True
GA: But My Blood Is The Same Shade As What You See Here
AG: Yoooooou... have bright red blood. Like, that'ss CANDY colored.
GA: I Do
AG: Kanaya, are you pulling my horn. }:|
GA: I Have Been Honest With You My Whole Life Because I
GA: I Trust You Implicitly And Want To Be True To You
GA: I Am Not Lying When I Say My Blood Is This Shade Of Red
AG: You're sseriouss. You're not lying.
AG: I don't know what to ssay here.
GA: If You Hate Me I Understand
GA: Just Please Let Me Know If Thats The Case
GA: Im So Sorry I Lied To You
AG: Woah there!! I don't HATE you, don't be dumb.
AG: This is just kinda weird!! Ssorta unexpected. Left field.
AG: Okay, sso you have bright red blood? For real? Not maroon or even brown like me??
GA: No I Can Give You Visual Evidence It Is Indeed A Very Intense Shade Of Bright Candy Red
AG: I guessss... huh. There'ss no one elsse with that sshade, iss there??
GA: I Suppose I Am A Freak
GA: Or A Mutant
GA: Or Some Other Word To Denote My Deviance From Nature
AG: Woah hey don't ssay you're a freak. }:(
GA: You Dont Think Im A Freak
AG: Well, okay. I think thiss iss kinda sstrange!! Kinda weird. But you're not a freak.
GA: Well What Do You Think I Am
AG: I don't know!! Like, what doess bright red blood mean?? Where the Hell ARE you on thiss goofy casste ladder??
AG: Oh God. Who elsse have you told??!!
GA: Nobody But You
AG: Thank goodnessss!! But... why are you telling me??
GA: Well I Said Before
GA: I Like You
GA: And Trust You
GA: And Didnt Want To Lie To You
AG: Okay... I guessss I appreciate that. SSo... what are you gonna do??
GA: Thats A Good Question
GA: I Suppose I Will Tell The Others
AG: WOAH NO.
GA: Woah Hey Big Letters
GA: Why Not
AG: Kanaya, are you out of your nook??!! What if they decide to do ssomething bad to you?? }:(
GA: Do You Think They Would
AG: I don't know! Half of them are really crazy jerkss!! I don't want you to be hurt.
GA: Really Are Worried For My Well Being
AG: Well. SSure. We're friendss, right?? We're sstill friendss??
GA: Yes We Are
GA: I Am Just Taken Aback You Are Taking This So Well And Have Concerns
AG: Uggggh. Lissten missss bossssyfangss, I don't really care about blood!! I care about SSTUFF. Like people. Like YOU. Okay?? SSo try not to be sstupid about thiss!!
GA: Please Let Me Express I Am So Very Happy Right Now
GA: I Just Want To Do What I Feel Is Right And Your Acceptance
GA: So So Much To Me
AG: If you ssay sso, ssilly. }:)
GA: I Believe I Must Inform The Others
GA: Then I Can Get Back To You
AG: Kanaya, do you reeeeally think that'ss a good idea??
GA: No I Do Not
GA: But I Refuse To Hide This Any Longer
GA: Most Of All I Refuse To Hide It From You
AG: But... why me esspecially??
GA: Oh Drat I Apologize
GA: I Am Being Pestered By Karkat Of All People
GA: Vriska I Think I Will Start With Him And Go From There
GA: I Promise I Get Back To You Once I Am Done
AG: SSure... I need ssome time to take thiss in anywayss!! Pluss I got choress. Choooooress. }:/
GA: I Am Happy To See That Even Revelations Such As This Do Not Alter Your Daily Life
AG: Kanaya, I'm ssorry, but even if the world wass ending I'd still need to sshovel sshit. }:D
GA: That Reassures Me
GA: Goodbye For Now Vriska
AG: SSee you!! Lemme know how it goess, okay?
gloomyApoplectic [GA] ceased trolling aurochsGore [AG]
GA: <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3
You're so happy. You're crying; you can't help it. She doesn't hate you AND she's even concerned about you. You've never been so relieved in your life, much less felt so... flushed for someone. You need to tell the others. Your dreams were real. More than that, they didn't tell you how she'd react... that was all faith. Now to see how this goes with everyone else. You feel so liberated for the first time in your life! You're going to paint this ugly gray symbol the brightest red anyone has ever seen.
That was the last you heard of Kanaya for a whole dark season.
No matter how much you screamed at the others, they swore, every single one, that they didn't tell anyone or send anything after her, and had no idea what happened.
It was near 12th Perigee's Eve when she contacted you again, by slumping against your door in a bloody insensate heap. She was telling the truth. It was a bright, colorful, mutant candy-red, all over her. She had trusted you with the knowledge first, and even though it had been her choice to reveal it to the others, you still felt guilty about what happened.
Going pale for her was sort of an unspoken conclusion. Not long after that, when you turned to FLARP for her defense instead of just recreation, a man in white came forth.
He made you an offer you wouldn't, COULDN'T refuse.
And so it goes.
Circuitous & Fortuitous
> Kanaya: Rewind.
Okay... we can do that. Let's go back. It's funny how things have gone. You remember your complicated little worldly sojourns you'd take after you went on the run. Most of your time was spent huddled behind a rock, or wandering at day under the blistering sun. You'd make a loop, hiding out with your friends as long as possible, making yourself useful as needed and often bringing things with you from hive to hive, forging a big ring of gifts and letters and exchanges.
In your own way, you made everyone closer to one another, regardless of how they felt about you personally. It was funny, you'd later reflect, that you poisoned them with the concept of kindness. Some questioned the establishment, or their own instinctual hatred, and in the end... well. That's way ahead of now.
> Take a stay in Terezi's countryside hive.
Uh... no thanks. You never stayed at Terezi's place. It was just something that wasn't going to happen after what you did to her. To your anger and shame, you ended up making it up to her by becoming her personal parcel service. Whenever you were at Vriska's hive, there would inevitably be some maroon-stamped package waiting for you, to be delivered to a friend, usually Karkat. You couldn't say no to doing it; what would Vriska think? Either way, you'd also drop things off too for her to get. Strange knick-knacks, creepy books, mummified bits, anything and everything given to you to be sent to her.
Bad enough she'd often message you when you got a chance to use the internet to mock you somehow. You never did get that sometimes, her mockery ended up changing your course of action, and away from a doomed outcome. Regardless, guilty or not, your opinion of her could be summed as:
'Christ. What an asshole!'
> Be a house-guest at Vriska's hoofbeast ranch.
YES!! Er. Sure. Ain't no thing. You usually stayed here the longest and basically entered constant strife with Vriska in your struggle to make yourself useful around the place while she insisted on trying to keep you rested and calm. You usually met halfway.
It was sorta fun relating your tales of your worldly walks, edited carefully to leave out the more unpleasant parts so she wouldn't flip her lid. Tinkerbull would spend half the day sleeping on your head, and it was usually the closest you got to having things feel norma again.
Still, you were very careful to not get TOO attached and enamored to staying there. You were still a danger to her, no matter how nice the silly flushed fantasies of living together were. It was from here you began a circuit around the world.
> Suffer the hospitality of Equius' hivestem.
Oh God. Do you have to? Yes, fine, you do. Holy shit was it ever awkward being there. Everything outside of the workshop was an OCD nightmare of perfectly maintained cleanliness and order, which you were nothing but an endless threat to. Not to mention it was hard getting in there to begin with, being a place in the city that was already crawling with watchful eyes. You even had to pretend to be a freakin' robot once, wearing the remains of one of his scrapped projects.
Your stays were quite healthy, at least. After having to scrub yourself raw and getting your clothes washed 15 times and your wounds bandaged until you looked like a mummy, you were usually force-fed delicious baked goods until you felt like you were gonna huarf all over the place. Too many grub cookies. Tasty yummy honey cookies.
please god no more cookies
> Struggle to adapt to the comforts of Gamzee's cave.
You actually ended up spending a lot more time here than you'd thought. His cavehive was out in the wilderness as it was, surrounded by quiet (that is, incredibly deadly and monster infested) forests, giving you time to stay without too much risk. But ugh, living with him was a... challenge. For one, you had to adjust to the delicious taste of raw meat from beasts you helped him hunt and club senseless. Did he REALLY have to go and start eating them when they were still alive? Plus the cave was smellier than Vriska's stables.
At least he really loved the cookies you brought from Equius, and he was one Hell of a slam poet; it was sometimes fun to join in. You just seriously wish every topic didn't have to revolve around fucking cat puns.
> Have a grand old time at Eridan's place in the Ultimate Hell Desert of Murder.
Wow fuck no. No no no. You really would love to, but you did not have the cajones to go rolling half dead through the bright dunes of doom to get to his place. Even if you did have a shoddy bloody deathsaw that was the typical weapon of those who dealt with the undead.
You both just agreed that chatting online was as much help as either of you were going to give or get, and were happy with that. A few times, you were lucky enough to see him when he was visiting Feferi. A fine fellow, if a bit reserved. Didn't matter, really. All the help you never got from him was returned a thousandfold once the game began, though you never knew.
> Relax for a spell under the boughs of Feferi's treehive.
Sure! You two were like a couple of-- woah no hold it. You are not going to start with the botanical puns, she'll know and you'll be exposed to them long enough to make flowers sprout out of your damn ears. Heh.
It was a good stay anyways, she was out pretty far and safe where she was. It was a little like Vriska's sometimes, the two of you living like everything was normal and fine and not insane at all, doing gardening and having a good time. But, blugh. All that salad in your diet was a shock. Plus she was weird about her lusus and her sleeping, and just... you liked her, but there was always something OFF about her.
She was really vocal about your blood thing, too. All pro-activism; sometimes you had to calm her down and convince her to not do something that'd get HER killed.
> Survive the combined attentions of Karkat and Aradia at their chateaus.
This is where things got kinda iffy. Not bad, just, tense. Karkat and Aradia had the fortune of living next door to each other, and Mother Grub knows it took a long time to even get to their part of the country.
Karkat was a bizarre experience. The spider-eyed blueblood was a gracious host, just... a goddamn weirdo. He liked having you around, if only because you were not a customer, and thus he could try to impress you with the secrets of his 'incredible' relationship counseling skills. He also really liked watching romcoms. Awful ones. He SAID he watched them for instruction, but you know he really liked them, and heck, you liked them well enough to sit through marathons with him. All the same, he was still the most freaking snippy and insulting jackass ever, like this was some tremendous favor to your mutant self. Pissed you off good. Plus, his place was just really unsafe to be at with all the traffic he got and the gluttonous hell-spider waiting nearby. Frequently, you had to sling yourself over to Aradia's to stay safe. Literally, one time. That wasn't fun. The spider webs didn't come out of your hair for a week.
Aradia's was... ehhh. The girl had problems. She was constantly locked up in her labs, and you actually never once saw her in person! Instead, she sent Aurthor to attend to you; you tried to be kind and appreciative of his help.
Still awkward, being all alone in her place, seeing the results of experiments past. You did manage to get a lot of reading in that way, though. Still, she could have at least joined you for, shit, tea or something high class like that. But no, you were just too feeble of mind and BORING for her (so was everyone, really). Even your mutated blood wasn't of interest... but you still noticed how discarded bandages vanished. Antisocial little creep. Plus you'd suddenly find yourself kicked out for no known reason, and it was either off to Karkat's again or out into the wild.
> Nervously accept the fortune and grace of Tavros' beachside property.
Bless your father's captchalogued claws, this was also trying. Tavros was a... a good guy! Very lucky, fortunate and all that. All about class and fun, not a whole lot like others of his caste.
That is to say not a murderous psycho who likes slurping up the intestines of lowbloods like they were fucking spaghetti.
Yet, despite his ways, he somehow luckily avoided ALL the problems. But still, staying with him was either an ordeal in listening to his philosophical prattle, or watching him chase imaginary faeries during his sopor-slimed moments, which was 90% of the day. He also threw huge expensive parties. To which you were explicitly invited. Which you tried to express was a tremendously bad idea but he just INSISTED. So you went along with it and usually spent half the evening trying not to shit your ultra-expensive dress as you waded through a crowd of less-than-kind highbloods who you prayed didn't recognize your face, as you pretended to be one of them.
Luckily, they somehow never did, despite tons of close calls. After things got too much you usually grabbed a boat and headed off to your next target.
> Fight to not go insane and just off yourself at Sollux and Captor's bizarre hiveship.
The most difficult stop you had, for sure. Sollux was a fine fellow. Educated, considerate, pacifist to a fault, high of mind, humble in his dealings with friends, fascinated by history and its consequences, delighted by the implications of your blood. It was always a great time with him.
Captor on the other hand was basically so problematic you both nearly ended up black-flirting with one another every time. Captor's enjoyment of violence wasn't THAT bad, you two were actually pretty alike in that sense, excepting your intense dislike of your capacity for murderous intent. But his philosophies and demented genius pissed you off to no end. His love of order and insistence on adhering to the rituals and traditions of blood were intolerable to you. Not that he actually disliked your mutation; he didn't care. But he did enjoy mocking and disgusting you with warnings of never getting near a pail.
Whenever Captor was around, time was spent in screaming debate over troll society and philosophy, and basically being as huge an asshole to one another as you could get away with before it devolved into attempted murder.
But then things would calm down once Sollux had control, and you'd quickly part ways before things got messy again.
> Go down where's it's wetter, darling it's better, under the s-
YOU CAN'T FUCKING BREATHE WATER. DOES IT LOOK LIKE YOU HAVE GOOFY FINS POPPING OFF OF YOUR FACE.
Okay sorry that was mean. No offense to the sane sea-dwellers, of which there is one, that being Nepeta. Whose sanity is already in question by the entire world. Regardless, she was the third one whose hive you could not stay at, since it was at depths that would pop your adorable little head like a fucking grape under the fat ass of Karkat's lusus. Alas.
Sure, maybe Equius could have created a suit for you, and you could have safely stayed down there. But you all agreed that wouldn't have worked well, and Nepeta had enough on her paws dealing with her lusus. She did other things to help you out, with her limited imperial powers. You got to meet her once when she came out to hunt, at least.
> Begin again.
Yeah... after that, it was time to loop your walks and get moving back on to Vriska's. You'd pass through the suburbs where you once lived on the way, and remind yourself you did this whole stupid fucking thing for a reason. The game. All for the game whose code you found and handed off to the more intelligent members of your social circle. Together you all slowly came to accept what it was, and what your bright dreams and Eridan's dark whispers meant. You all bonded from your visits, or at least came to trust one another enough to go through with the inevitable.
You tried not to regret the foolishness of your choice, and accepted it had to happen, no matter how nasty it got sometimes. You had friends who cared, and you did your best. It had to be for a reason.
It just HAD to.
-- cunningGangewifre [CG] began trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
CG: HELLO AGAIN, YOU MEDDLESOME RETARD. I SEE YOU'RE ONLINE AT LAST.
GA: Oh Noooooooo
GA: There I Counted Out Eight Did That Tickle Your Nook
CG: SHUT UP.
CG: I ASSUME TODAY IS FINALLY THE DAY YOU FUCK EVERYTHING UP.
GA: Yes And Thank The Mother Grub For That
CG: IS THERE NOTHING I CAN DO TO CHANGE YOUR MIND?
GA: As Far As Im Concered Im Doing You A FAVOR
CG: DON'T LOSE YOUR TEMPER ALREADY, MARYAM.
CG: BUT YES FINE I SUPPOSE THIS IS A FAVOR.
CG: YOU STILL RUINED A GR8 DEAL I HAD THOUGH.
GA: Karkat With All Due Respect For Your Weird Romance Sleuthing Acumen Your 'GR8' Deal Was Basically A Scam To Feed Your Horrible Lusus
CG: WITH ALL DUE RESPECT MISS MARYAM, YOU CRIMSON AFFRONT TO N8TURE AND GOD, I WAS AND AM AND WILL ALWAYS BE THE GREATEST REL8TIONSHIP COUNSELOR ALTERNIA HAS EVER SEEN, AND IF IT ALSO HELPS FEED MY LUSUS THEN THAT'S MERELY A BENEFICIAL SIDE EFFECT.
GA: You Give Rigged Advice With Black Oracles
GA: To Set Blackroms Up To End In Death
GA: So You Have A Nice Steady Supply
GA: WOW I AM ALSO A HUGE WHINEY BITCH WHO LOVES TO SUCK AND FONDLE THE SHIT-STAINED HORNS OF A STUPID STUTTERING BROWN-BLOOD AND BASICALLY WILL NEVER BE LOVED EXCEPT BY PERVERTS WITH A MUTANT FETISH DURR DURR HURRRRRRRR
GA: Did Not Just
CG: DON'T WORRY MARYAM I JUST NEEDED TO REMIND YOU TO NOT BE SO SELF-RIGHTEOUS. DAMNATION YOUR MIND IS LIKE A MOLDY RECUPERACOON FILLED WITH NAILS AND RANCID GRUBSAUCE.
CG: TEMPER TEMPER. ENOUGH FOREPLAY. LISTEN, I WILL THANK YOU THAT I WON'T HAVE TO DEAL WITH MY LUSUS ANYMORE, AND IT MAY BE INTERESTING HAVING TO MANAGE 11 HORMONAL GRUBFUCKERS. I WILL BE A DAMNED CHESSMASTER OF HEARTS AND SPADES. YOU MAY HAVE CRUSHED MY DREAMS OF BECOMING A THRESHECUTIONER AND MASTER ROMANCER, BUT I GUESS I'LL COME OUT AHEAD ON THIS ANYWAYS. FINDING THOSE RUINS WITH THE CODE WAS ABOUT THE ONLY USEFUL THING YOU'VE EVER DONE.
GA: Id Tell You To Just MANIPUL8 Your Smug Self Into Your Lusus' Maw But I Have To Deal With You Anyways So Fine You Are Welcome
CG: WHATEVER, MARYAM. TAKE 8 SECONDS TO YANK YOUR LUSUS' ROTTEN CLAW OUT OF YOUR CHUTE SO YOU CAN END THE PITY PARTY AND GET ON WITH THIS. HAVE EQUIUS SEND IT TO ME WHEN IT'S READY SO I CAN START THE MIND GAMES.
GA: Ugh Fine
GA: It Will Be In Our Possession Before The Night Is Over
GA: And Karkat
GA: On The Topic Of Brown-Blood Girls And Infatuations
GA: Just Remember I Happen To Have Heard Through My Sources That Someone Has 8 Eyes Forming A Curious <3 Shape In The Direction Of A Certain Maroon-Blooded Girl With A Fondness For Law
GA: Try Not To Antagonize Me Too Much
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] ceased trolling cunningGangewifre [CG] --
Oh man. Grubloaf. Chewy and hot, covered in grubsauce... she's gonna make you some! Okay, sure, when she makes it she sorta burns it a bit and it's made out of hoofbeasts she had to put down, but you don't care! You're really Goddamn hungry, and she cooks it with LOVE. All the spice you need. But mostly the hunger helps. GRUBLOOOOAF. <3
Listen, it's not a topic you really enjoy discussing. It's not important.
But... okay. You admit you sort of have an anger problem.
The others don't know. Well, they don't know how bad it is... except Terezi, who knows firsthand, but has never told the others. Not even Vriska. Sure, they all know you have a short fuse and sometimes your shit flys off the handle and into a pile of harsh words you come to later regret.
But it gets worse than that. No, it doesn't somehow give you super strength or ultra agility or anything fancy. It doesn't even give you endurance, or at least any more than you usually have to spare. It's fucking exhausting and painful. All it does is make you a screaming, murderous, hate-blinded psycho. Fire pours into your veins, the world goes red, your body hits overdrive and you just keep going until the haze clears and you kiss the floor for a little bit of nap time.
It's way more trouble than it's worth. You don't like losing control. You REALLY don't want the others to know how much of a liability you could be. Maybe now that things are more ordered and less shithive maggots you'll be able to keep a lid on it. Steady food, sleep, and contact with others will help, surely -- sleep especially! Good thing nothing bad will ever happen to that little mental retreat.
Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck FUCK.
Well THAT could have gone better. You have to hand it to the Empire, it was pretty slick of them to find a way to deal with you by classifying you as a 'rare unique mob' in FLARP, with rewards to compare. Bastards.
Some of your friends who used to play it have suffered for that. Vriska used to just play the infernal game for fun, before she got really serious about it to help take down players who decide to hunt you. Now she's one of the best and the only one of your friends still doing it, nearly fanatical in competition to make sure you have less to deal with.
You feel awfully guilty about it.
Either way, they did a fine job this time. You've lost a lot of blood and got it all over the goddamn place, like a great big stinking red X on a map titled 'KILL ME PLEASE'. It isn't actually the blood loss that bothers you, just the obvious trail it leaves. Whatever mutant power your freak blood gives you seems to be a near immunity to exsanguination; the crap just keeps coming. Well, sure, you're also prone to exhausting fits of screaming bloodrage, but you choose to blame circumstances on that little problem. Either way, you're surprised you haven't passed out yet.
You clean up in a pond nearby, since you're so close to Vriska's place. You'd really hate to look like a total slaughterhouse leftover, since she's already worried as is, and probably stayed up all day to make sure you got there safely. Look, she's already waiting outside her hive; you're at least going to try to be smooth about this, play it off all cool and charming, instead of just taking her up in a crushing embrace.
There she is. Aw yeah, you can do this. You always have special little injoke greetings for each of your friends when you have to hide at their hives; you save the most personal ones for her. You start with a needle-sharp "Well Hello There Tall Gray And Handsome Maybe This Little Lady Could Ask A Favor And Spend The Night Wi--"
Oh, whoops, hold on. Hold on. Your body is taking a quick consensus on this whole "pass out from exposure and blood loss" thing.
Okay great let's see what it decided.
YES. You pass right the hell out in the middle of your suave greeting. Vriska is freaked out, you're completely out of it, and you're bleeding all over her lawnring. This could not have gone any better.
You gotta hand it to yourself, sometimes you are just so SMOOTH
Bunch of Bull's Shit
Uggggh. What a day this is turning out to be. You are just all nines of kinds of flustered. At least Kanaya is okay. You crammed her into the spare recuperacoon after making sure she wasn't ACTUALLY going to die, and now you're gonna try to make something for her to eat. Something to distract yourself from the stuttering spitting fits of hysteria you feel welling up.
You sort of miss those times when you two could be actual friends together without the threat of stabs or mobs or grub-guided tactical missiles or whatever always looming over every visit. Those were... good days. Better ones. Anyways. Work to do; you're wicked busy with chores today and people won't stop bugging you! All about that game you're supposed to play. Well, you KNOW it's real because Kanaya said so, and the others are in such a goddamn tizzy over it.
You guess you just feel weird that it's actually happening. Leave this world, beat a game, get to start a new life? Well, the specifics on that were kind of vague, but Hell, you'll take it. You're already a total boss at FLARP; how hard could this be? Plus...
You're just not cut out for this shit, really. Sure, you're as hyper-competitive and agressive as any good troll, but years of time with your lusus, animal care and communion, listening to the weird drivel Nepeta spouts off, butchering FLARP fanatics to protect Kanaya, the whole stupid persecution of mutant red blood thing, the blah blah blah BLUH.
You don't know what you want, but it sure as Hell isn't this. Okay fine enough of the self-pity. You have manure to shovel, meat to burn, a lusus to appease, shingles to, uh, shing, a Kanaya to feed...
Kanaya. Whenever you think about her yo--
SPIT on a griddle you lost your train of thought. What now??!!
Oh. Him. Right, you left him a message a while ago. Ergh. Okay you better deal with this. Turns out you don't need his help at the moment, but best to keep things friendly. You feel mildly bad about using him all the time for favors and stuff, but if he's gonna be a gullible bumbling flirtatious doofus...
-- aleatoryTheosophist [AT] began trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
AT: uhh, greetings my, faIR LAdy, how aRE YOU DOING THIS MAgicaL EVENING,
AT: I Am returning the messaGE YOU SENT TO ME,
AG: Tavross!! Uh hi. I'm fine. Dandy-ssandy. Or ssomething. But yess I did ssend a messssage earlier that turned out to be unecessssary!! Ssorry about that.
AT: I Am sure thaT A laDY OF YOUR FAeric quaLITY, HAd aN EAsy time dispelling, uh, whaTEVER ISSUE THAt plaGUED YOU,
AG: Yup! Ssure did! Kinda. Mosstly. Anywayss it'ss all cool here now.
AT: WELL GOOD, BECAuse it uh, aLLOWS ME TIME, TO Ask you if you would entertaIN THIS, GENTLEMAn's invintaTION TO PLAy on his side in the upcoming, engaGEMENT,
AG: What the Hell.
AG: I mean. What could you ever be talking about?? }:o
AT: THE GAme we aRE HOPING TO PLAy, which, is staRTING TODAy,
AT: aND THERE HAs been taLK OF SPLITTING US INTO TEAms, one red aND ONE BLUE,
AT: Along lines of, uh, division, between those of higher blood aND LOWER,
AT: MOSTLY, I GUESS, THEY WISH TO UH, MAke the lower ones center a TEAM Around, kaNAya
AG: They. By which you mean probably Ssollux or Aradia. Are making teamss. With casste divissionss. Bassically sso they don't gotta be on a team with Kanaya. Even if we're all going into the ssame game.
AT: I GUESS SO,
AT: DESPITE THAt, i, waS HOPING YOU WOULD Accept my invite to be on my teaM, THE BLUE ONE, OR WAs it red,
AG: I'm pretty flattered! Pretty honored. But I think I gotta sstick to Kanaya'ss team! Or you know ignore that there are teamss ssince it sseemss like a really dumb idea.
AT: but then, thaT MEAns, we will not be on the saME SIDE,
AG: Good thing I got a sshiny little faerie plan!! It is the besst plan.
AT: OH, HOORAy, whaT IS IT, FAerie plaNS Are the most intriguing,
AG: You're gonna be on my team. The cherry team or red team or losser team or whatever it iss. There, plan done!! I am ringing a magic bell full of glitter to commemorate thiss.
AT: then, excellent, i will prepaRE TO Align myself with you and whoever you choose,
AG: Good!! Great. Fantasstic. I'm wicked ssorry but I gotta dassh! Mythic faerie dutiess to attend to before we play thiss goofy game. Like sshoveling 500 poundss of mysstical sstink loam.
AT: then, i will see you laTER, FAir laDY OF THE WILD LAnds,
-- aurochsGore [AG] ceased trolling aleatoryTheosophist [AT] --
He's a weird one. Blessed as the old sun. He has all the luck! All of it. Shame, really. He's actually close to intelligent when he's not spaced out on sopor, which is once in a blue double-moon. He's the only one besides Kanaya you've ever been able to be assertive with, granted in different ways.
Either way he just has this THING with freaking faeries that is so dumb, and he's all over you because he thinks you're a faerie (okay fine never-MIND your FLARP class is a Glitternisse Tintinnabulumer), mostly because of your fluttery and fae lusus, and you play it up to curry favors and goodwill from a member of the land-aristrocracy. Mostly to other's benefit, never really your own.
Anyways you guess the point is, in harsher words than you'd ever use, is that of COURSE faeries are real you stupid sack of shit! Just not how he wants them to be like when he trips out. Whatever,
you don't have TIME for that dumb sstuff!!
There, God, we're on the move. That hoofbeast shit ain't gonna shovel itself. Plus you gotta pick one to put down so you can make dinner. One of these days you think you'll learn how to actually cook. Then maybe it'll taste like something other than charred remains.
Huh. Awfully quiet in here.
Wait. Oh no. You forgot. Your lusus. Your insatiable lusus! He's coming for you!!
There he is. God save you. He's upset for sure, for you have neglected to attend to his needs. For he is eternally ravenous for one thing...
HE HUNGERS FOR HUGS AND KISSES. Oh nooooooooo!!
Okay there done his terrible needs are sated for day. Whew!
Really, he is the best lusus ever. You love him lots. It's a good thing that he's great and you're great and you'd never do anything incredibly stupid and stuttering that'd end up compromising his somewhat fragile health and well being.
Does anyone have a lusus as awesome as yours?
You doubt it.
God, please. You just want to sleep. Just sleep and dream of so many happier things. You can see her there. You've always seen her and the others there, not yet awake, and you go to 'sleep' at her side, whispering reassuring prophecies into her ear. Your one comfort apart from the clouds. And now yo--
You're awake. Piss OFF you're awake, okay? God. 5 more minutes is all you wanted. All you needed. Had to end just now, didn't it? Ugh.
You wake up, feeling achey and drowsy in Vriska's guest-recuperacoon in her room. Well. YOUR recuperacoon, technically. You're the only one who has ever used it. She's nowhere to be found, and you're being pestered by... oh God. Not him. But of course it is. You have to get the game from him after all. Ugh. Fine. Better do this while soaked in sopor to ease the pain.
-- circuitsTremor [CT] began trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
CT: -(Kanaya Maryam)(Are you awake ye+)
GA: As Much As I Direly Wish I Were Not
GA: I Am Now Awake Equius
CT: -(He11o freak-b1ooded scum)(I wish you a good evening, no+ +ha+ you can apprecia+e +he concep+)
GA: Yes Good Evening To You Too
GA: Is It Ready Yet
CT: -(I am s+i11 u++er1y ÷ on +he issue of a11owing you possession of +his game and access +o i+s power)(Bu+ I have no choice in +he ma++er)
GA: Equius Please Just This Once Can We Skip The Hemo Talk And Simply Pretend We Are Both As Bloodless As The Robots You Fetishsize So Much
CT: -(+ha+ wou1d be comp1e+e1y ine×cusab1e)(Regard1ess +he game is ready and wi11 be ÷ among us and +he o+her 10 wi+hin +he ne×+ few hours)
GA: Then Its Going Off Without A Hitch So Far
GA: Is Nepeta Aware
CT: -(Freak-b1ood I forbid you from using her name)(Bu+ yes +he Dread Empress is prepared and an+icipa+es our p1aying)
GA: Ugh Too Tired To Get Mad But Fine Good To Know
GA: I Know You Are In Moirallegiance With Her But You Do Not Need To Be So Protective And Deferential
CT: -(Uh I)(Am uncomfor+ab1e wi+h +ha+ +erm)
CT: -(One as ye11ow and debased as I has no righ+ +o be ca11ed more +han a 1ow1y 1and-craw1ing 1oya1 servan+ +o Her E×ce11encey)(And I wi11 obey her edic+ +o a11ow you +o 1ive and serve her +hrough +he game)
GA: As Much As I Dislike You Sometimes Equius You Shouldnt Sell Yourself So Short
GA: Mother Grub Knows Why But She Values You As A Friend And I Wish You Would Listen To Her More
CT: -(I repea+ +ha+ you have no p1ace +o +e11 someone even as 1ow of cas+e as me wha+ I shou1d do)(Bu+ she said +o +rus+ you and so I wi11)
GA: Right I See The Game Coming Through
GA: Are We Done Here Can I Please Go Back To Sleep
CT: -(Yes I be1ieve we shou1d ÷ ourse1ves from +his conversa+ion)(+ry no+ +o do any+hing +oo foo1ish or degenera+e on accou+ of your disgus+ing mu+a+ion)
GA: Oh Yes Equius I Promise I Will Do All I Can To Not Allow My Blood To Make Me Inexplicably Failure Prone Thus Dooming Us All
GA: I Will Scrape And Grovel And Pray My Hemo Betters Will Guide Me Away From Ruin
CT: -(E×ce11en+)(You sound so reasonab1e when you accep+ your place)
-- circuitsTremor [CT] ceased trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
GA: I Am Going To Type Something Here
GA: Just For My Own Record
GA: DX< !!!
-- argonCharybdis [AC] began trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
AC: >:ε ~her dread and most terrible empurress draws near on her mighty chariot pulled by her army of sea kittens!~
GA: Oh My
GA: I Can Only Prostrate Myself In Terror
AC: >:ε ~the empurress stops to look down at the lowly land dwelling mutant who dares call herself a troll~
AC: >:ε ~she is enraged!!~
GA: 'Oh Great Empress' I Say As My Lip Quavers 'Please Spare Me From Being Culled Even Though I Am a Filthy Aberration'
AC: >:ε ~her majesty refuses to listen to such words~
AC: >:ε ~she swims into the air even though this is on land and dives for her purrey!~
GA: I Look Up And Can Only Intone
AC: >:ε ~the terrible mutant troll is tackled and taken into a great big deadly super mighty culling~
AC: Xε ~HUG!~
GA: 'Ahhhhh I Am Slain By Hugs And Snuggles Nooooo'
AC: :ε ~ KANAYA!
GA: Hello Dread And Most Terrible Empress Nepeta
AC: :ε ~ this is pawssibly the most exciting night ever isnt it!
GA: For A Given Value Of Exciting Yes
GA: I Spoke With Equius And He Informed Me That You Are Aware Of The Games Distribution
AC: <:ε ~ i am! i had to give him explicit purrmission to send it to me before he would even SEND it to me but i have it and am ready!
GA: I Want To Say I Wish It Could Have Turned Out Differently For Our Species
GA: You Never Had A Chance To Be The Empress And Enact Changes
GA: Even If Eridan Says We Are Assured Of Continuation It Will Not Be The Same
AC: <:ε ~ dont worry about it so much kanaya!
AC: :ε ~ i mean this way all of our silly blood colors will be unique!
AC: :ε ~ MINE is unique already so im a mutant just like you!!
AC: >xε ~ soon we'll ALL be mutants so no more fighting or purroblems <3
GA: That Is One Way To Look At It
GA: I Never Thanked You Properly For Having Done So Much To Keep Me Alive
AC: :ε ~ its fine!
AC: <:ε ~ im just sorry i couldnt have done more
AC: :ε ~ but since you cant breathe water i couldnt kεεp you down below!
GA: I Think Its Okay Either Way
GA: Tonight It All Ends And We Move On To Something More
AC: :ε ~ yes!
AC: xε ~ i hope there are oceans so i can release my little kittens
GA: Well Um
GA: I Dont Know Really I Would Think There Would Be Some
AC: :ε ~ it would be so purrfect
AC: :ε ~ anyways i better hurry up and get to starting this game kanaya!
GA: Youre Right We Do Not Have As Much Time As We Think
GA: I Am Safely At Vriskas Hive And Ready To Start The Game
AC: :ε ~ make sure to give her a culling from me!
GA: I Will Do So
AC: :ε ~ and make it to your hive soon so you can start!
GA: I Will Also Do So
-- argonCharybdis [AC] ceased trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
Heh! You like her a lot. It's a shame. You really do believe she could have been the start of a new era. You wouldn't have to be a mutant... wouldn't have to be afraid. Alas. The world is about to get the living pigshit beaten out of it. Just as well.
wait a fucking second what did she just say
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling argonCharybdis [AC] --
GA: Nepeta Wait What Was That About Going To My Hive
AC: :ε ~ didnt equius tell you??
GA: Tell Me WHAT
AC: <:ε ~ he said you have to be in a hive of your own for the game to accept you in!
GA: Have To
AC: <:ε ~ ...youre at vriskas hive?
AC: :ε ~ you better hurry!!!!
-- gloomyApoplectic's [GA] PDA has been thrown into a wall --
AC: <:ε ~ well thats just pawful :(
Okay, right. You gotta book! You jusst gotta hurry the HHell up and get your rred assss outta hhere ass ssoon ass possssible!!!! Woah wait no you mean you should Hastily Abscond When Feasible. The world is already starting to die, and it's a Goddamn LONG haul to the remains of your hive from here.
You did manage to eat your grubloaf before you nearly smashed through the wall to leave, though. Like Hell you were gonna vanish without appreciating that tasty mess of black-burnt meat. Even managed to sneak in a goodbye-embrace. Anyways no time to l--
oh jegus she's pestering you
NO WAIT don't use that name!!! She'll KNOW. God why is she pestering you? She freaks you the holy fuck OUT. It usually means something incredibly horrible is about to happen. Okay. Eugh. Maybe if you ignore it she'll...
-- guillotineCatastrophe [GC] began trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
GC: h1 k4n4y4
GC: 1 know your3 th3r3 k4n4y4
GC: 4nsw3r m3
GA: Hello Terezi
GA: I Am Sorry I Was Distracted
GC: 4 h4lf truth is st1ll 4 L13 K4N4Y4
GC: you ar3 the worst li4r k4n4y4
GC: 1 c4n h34r your br1ght pr3tty blood puls3 and squ1rm 1ns1d3 of you wh3n you do >8)
GC: 4nd s33 how it cr4wls und3r your sk1n m4k1ng lov3ly p4tt3rns
GC: k4n4y4 som3t1m3s 1 w4nt to b1t3 your fl3sh off 4nd s33 wh4ts und3rn34th
GC: but you BL33D so much 1 dont h4v3 to! >8D
GA: Okay Wow I Am Sorry But This Is Becoming Incredibly Uncomfortable
GA: I Am Sort Of In A Hurry So What Do You Want
GC: k4n4y4 you d13 so m4ny t1m3s 1 4lmost c4nt stop l4ugh1ng
GC: just so m4ny cut3 l1ttl3 r3d k4n4y4 corps3s flopp1ng 4round
GA: WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND STOP TORMENTING ME YOU HORRIBLE GIRL
GC: 1 l1k3 1t wh3n you g3t M4D k4n4y4 1 c4n s33 4 br1ght m4ss of w4rm burn1ng R3D >8)
GA: Please Just Leave Me Alone Terezi
GA: I Swear I Am Sorry For What Happened To Your Sight And Hearing
GC: 1v3 n3v3r s41d th1s b3for3
GC: but 1 hav3 4lw4ys forg1v3n you for th4t!
GC: just1c3 1s s3rv3d
GC: 4s long 4s you k33p bl33d1ng >8D
GA: I Am Going To Ask One More Time
GA: WHAT DO YOU WANT
GC: dont b3 scar3d of m3 k4n4y4
GC: 1 4m b3n3vol3nt >8)
GC: 1 just w4nt3d to t3ll you sh3 w1ll st4rt glubb1ng soon
GC: 4nd 1 4m sorry 1 w1ll b3 too busy to 3xp3r13nc3 4ll of your blood loss
GC: but r3m3mb3r no m4tter how much 1t hurts you h4v3 to k33p mov1ng no m4tt3r WHAT
GC: OK >8?
GA: If I Can Be Excused I Have No Precious FUCKING Idea What You Mean By That And Pray You Swiftly Enter This Game So I Never Have To Deal With You Again
GA: It Is Bad Enough You Are Always There In Prospit Just Staring
GA: Ugh WHAT
GA: What Is So Damn Funny
GC: 1m 4lr34dy 1N k4n4y4
GC: b3tt3r hurry! >8D
GA: I Dont See How Vriska Or Even Karkat Can Put Up With You
GC: vr1ska 1s 4 br1ght 4mb3r 3cho who w4s 4lw4ys th3r3 for m3 3v3n wh3n putt1ng up w1th YOU
GC: 4nd k4rk4t 1s just th3 loud3st 4nd most sinc3r3 littl3 p3r1w1nkl3 grub wh3n h3 1s put to th3 t3st so 1 cut h1m som3 sl4ck! >8p
GA: You Know What I Dont Even Care
GA: I Have To Run So Enjoy Being Tremendously Creepy And Lording Your Strange Insights Over Others
GC: 4lw4ys my pl34sur3 miss r4d1o4ct1v3-r3d
GC: my only r3gr3t is th4t youll n3v3r g3t to s33 how m4ny t1m3s you D13 >8D
-- guillotineCatastrophe [GC] ceased trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
Such a bother. Such a constant distraction. It's taking all your noodly-armed willpower to not flip out. Managing this game while doing your best to keep loyal to every relationship and rule of the spectrum, all while the world ends, such a BOTHER. As always you are of two minds on the topic.
You just got done talking to the freakshow horrorblood mutant. Made you shiver. You suppose it's a blessing that the game started now; after Vriska, she would have wound her way to your hivestem apartment to hide next. Oh, you would have shown her the power of the caste rank for sure. She would be once again reminded of her place, how it's DONE.
Usually you did that by setting out the best plates you had, making sure she was fed to the point of stomach ache, fixing up her worthless poorly built chainsaw, washed and ironed her clothes whether she wanted it or not, and you would sleep on the floor of your workshop while she had your freshly re-sopored recuperacoon, and THEN she'd be sent her on her way with some mind honey cookies once it was time to depart.
Disgusting mutant leper abomination would understand how incredible your lowly yellow caste was then. You mean, you... don't have psychic powers like most of your blood, you're in the bottom rungs, and your only real skills is your ability to lick boot and your exceptionally dextrous hands; you're quite skilled at mechanical work and archery. It's good you're not a sweaty meat-handed brawling freak. You're just a much more boring kind of freak, honestly. But at least you're not a mutant!!
Okay God you're sliding into pathetic shiveirng self-deference again. You have to keep it together for the Empress' sake. She's depending on you here as a moirail, and you have to be strong in the face of the coming social trials. You think you'll bake a mind honey grubcake as you micromanage the game's distribution. The stuff tastes awesome, it's the one nice thing about not being psychic like most of your caste. Maybe the Empress will want one? Oh God you're gonna meet her. Oh Lord you're going to look like such a disgusting me-
Woops, looks like you got a message to respond to, and it isn't Vriska or Terezi (thank GOD), so you have to respond right away. Even if this guy kind of makes you kind of... flustered and nervous, and he's only one step above you.
-- temperamentallyCarnivorous [TC] began trolling circuitsTremor [CT] --
TC: PoUnCe pOuNcE MeOwThErFuCkEr!! >X3
CT: -(Mus+ you a1ways do +ha+)(Is i+ abso1u+e1y necessary)
TC: WhAt iS Up mY MuStArDy bOw-bRo?
CT: -(I am preparing +o en+er +he game)(You shou1d be doing +he same)
TC: ItS GoOd yOu bRoUgHt tHaT Up
TC: CuZ ThErEs bEeN SoMe sErIoUs mEoWnSeNsE A-PaW!
CT: -(Did you serious1y say meownsense)(+ha+ is no+ even a 1ogica1 wordp1ay)
TC: SeE MaN YoU ArE AlL MaKiNg lIkE A PuRrBeAsT AnD PrEtEnDiNg nOtHiNg iS WrOnG!
CT: -(If you wou1d e×p1ain wha+ +he issue is)(I wou1d be happy +o make sense of +he prob1em)
TC: TeAmS My bOw-mAn
CT -(+eams)(Wha+ +eams precise1y)
TC: NoW CoMe oN EqUiUs dOnT StEp oN My tAiL
TC: WeRe aLl bRoS HeRe aNd i wAs tOlD WhAt wAs gOiNg oN
CT: -(You are being par+icu1ary serious and for+hrigh+)(I wi11 admi+ +ha+ I have open1y accep+ed a ÷ of p1ayers for our endeavor)
TC: SeE NoW ThIs iS MaKiNg mE HiSs uP A StOrM >:3
CT: -(I am on1y submi++ing +o higher au+hori+y)(Ive accep+ed my p1ace in +he spec+rum as a1ways)
TC: BrO YoU KnOw tHiS LiOn lIkEs tO Do wHaT He cAn tO LoOk aFtEr hIs pRiDe
TC: AnD HaViNg uS SpLiT LiKe tHiS AiNt rIgHt, ItS PaWfUl
CT: -(You have been speaking wi+h +he Dread Empress)(Haven'+ you)
TC: I GuEsS ThE CaTs oUt tHe bAg mEoOoOoOoOoOw x3
CT: -(I wi11 never unders+and +he end1ess 1ove for fe1ines)(And wordp1ays revo1ving around +hem)
TC: CaNt cHaNgE ThE SuBjEcT MaN
TC: GoT ThE ScEnT Of yOuR BlOoD, aLl sTaLkInG YoU UnAwArEs
CT: -(Gamzee I unders+and your concerns)(Bu+ I have promised +o obey +he cas+e divisions as se+ down by roya1+y)
CT: -(We wi11 s+i11 be on +he same +eam +oge+her)(I+ ends wi+h Eridan before i+ sp1i+s)
TC: ThE OnLy rEaSoN FoR ThE SpLiT Is sO SoMe oF ThE HiGhEr bLoOdS CaN JuStIfY BeInG ToTaLlY UnCoOl!
TC: I Am gOnNa lEvEl wItH YoU MaN, i dOnT LiKe tHeM PuShInG YoU ArOuNd, ThOsE MoThErFuCkErS ArE LyInG AnD GeTtInG Me pIsSeD
CT: -(P1ease +ry +o unders+and)(+his is jus+ how +hings mus+ be +o sus+ain order)
TC: DuDe iM NoT SuRe iF YoU ToOk a lOoK At tHe sAvAnNaH Of lAtE, bUt wErE GoNnA Be dOwN To tHe 12 Of uS!
TC: ThErE IsNt gOnNa bE AnY MoRe oRdEr tO KeEp, JuSt aLl uS BrOs oN ThE PuRrOwL ToGeThEr
CT: -(A11 +he more reason we mus+ preserve our +radi+ions)(O+herwise +here wi11 be every e×cuse for irra+iona1 and dangerous behavior)
TC: FoR MeOwS SaKe mAn, SoMe oF ThEsE DuDeS IdEa oF RaTiOnAl wOuLd iNcLuDe pUtTiNg yOu iN A BaG AnD DrOwNiNg yOu
TC: I GuEsS ShE DoEsNt hAvE YoUr sUpPoRt tHeN, bUmMeR!
CT: -(Wha+)(Who does no+ have my suppor+)
TC: WhO Do yOu tHiNk bRoThEr? YoUr lAdY FrIeNd tHe eMpUrReSs! :3
CT: -(She a1ways has my suppor+)(Never EVER ques+ion +ha+)
TC: BuT ShE DoEsNt mAn, If yOuRe gOnNa iNsIsT On sTiCkInG To tHiS BlOoD CaStE ScHeMe
CT: -(She is now +he Empress in fu11)(She wi11 decide wha+ is and is no+ a11owed)
TC: >x3 !!
CT: -(Now wha+)(Are you hiding some+hing)
TC: DuDe yOu kNoW As wElL As i tHaT ShE AiNt gOnNa dIg kEePiNg tO CaStEs! My aQuAtIcAt sIsTeR Is aLl fOr aBdIcAtInG AnD ShIt sO We cAn aLl bE BrOs
CT: -(Regard1ess if she keeps +o i+ or no+, which is her choice)(I wi11 s+i11 be compe11ed +o obey +hose of higher rank)
TC: OkAy mAn, So wHaT If sHe tElLs yOu tO KeEp yOuR PaWs oFf tHe bLoOd cAsTeS?
CT: -(We11)(+hen I wi11 obey)
TC: BuT If yOu oBeY JuSt bEcAuSe sHeS HiGhEr cAsTe tHaN YoU ThEn wHaT MeOwThErFuCkIn rIgHt dO YoU GoT PrEtEnDiNg yOu aRe aBaNdOnInG ThE BlOoD BuLlShIt? >:3
CT: -(Urg)(You are presen+ing an obno×ious mora1 parado×)
TC: My fInE YeLlOw bOw-bRo, LeT ThIs cHiLl tAlKiN' tIgEr aSk wHaT YOU WaNt
TC: InStEaD Of tElLiN Me yOuRe gOnNa dO WhAt tHe hIgHeR CaStEs sAy, TeLl mE WhAt tHe wIcKeD FuCkEr wHo iS ThE CaTs mEoW WaNtS OuT Of tHiS
CT: -(Im no+ rea11y a+ 1iber+y +o say)(I have on1y ever wan+ed wha+ +he ru1e of 1aw has dic+a+ed as proper)
TC: CoMe oN MaN
TC: tHiS CaT Is tOtAlLy hOpPiN InTo yOuR LaP, sMiLiN AnD DiSaRmIn yOu wItH HiS ApUrRaBlE FaCe... >x3
CT: -(I suppose)(Keeping my moirai1 happy wou1d be my rea1 desire)
CT: -(Perhaps +ime +o be 1ef+ a1one)(+o work wi+h my machines)
TC: SeE MaN EvEn yOu jUsT WaNt sOmE FuCkIn tImE To sTrEtCh oUt aNd tAkE A CaTnAp
TC: So hOw aBoUt wE CuT OnE AnOtHeR A DeAl
TC: I Am aLl oN YoUr kNeEs mAn, KnEaDiNg mY ClAwS InTo tHoSe sKiNnY LeGs oF YoUrS
TC: So i pUrRaY YoUrE LiStEnInG ClOsE :3
CT: -(Uh)(I am 1is+ening in+en+1y)
TC: It wOuLd bE ReAlLy aPpReCiAtEd iF YoU WeRe a bRo fIrSt aNd a yElLoWbLoOd sEcOnD, yEaH?
TC: If yOu cOuLd dO WhAt yOuR FrIeNdS AsK BeCaUsE We cArE AnD NoT BeCaUsE We'rE AlL HaViNg tHe fInEr cOaT Of fUr oR SoMeThIn
TC: We cAn mAkE SuRe tHe pEoPlE WhO ArE WaNtIn tEaMs dOnT GeT In tHe wAy oF Us pLaYiNg oUr wIcKeD AsS JuNgLe gAmEs
TC: We cAn aLl wOrK ToGeThEr aS A PrIdE
TC: AnD We wIlL Be tHeRe fOr yOu mY WiCkEd mUsTaRd bOtMaStEr
TC: DoEs tHaT SoUnD LiKe a gOoD PlAn tO YoU?
CT: -(I suppose)(+ha+ I find +he +erms of +ha+ p1an agreeab1e)
TC: Oh wHoOpS PrEsSeD My cLaWs iN A BiT ToO TiGhT
TC: SoRrY AbOuT ThAt mAn jUsT MaKiN SuRe yOuRe nOt tElLiN Me tHiS JuSt bEcAuSe iM A StEp uP FrOm yOu oN ThIs fUnKy cOlOrFuL PaRaDiSe lInE
CT: -(I promise I am 1is+ening in a capaci+y)(+ha+ does no+ inc1ude +he hemospec+rum)
TC: MeOwNdErFuL! >x3
TC: YoUr wIcKeD SiStEr oF ThE DeEp wIlL Be pUrRiNg uP A StOrM Of bUbBlEs wHeN YoU TeLl hEr tHe nEwS
TC: AnYwAyS DuDe i gOtTa gEt sTaLkIn, ShIt iS GoInG DoWn fAsT!
CT: -(Um of course)(G1ad we cou1d +a1k)
-- temperamentallyCarnivorous [TC] ceased trolling circuitsTremor [CT] --
AhAhAhAhAhAhA MeEeEeOoOoOoOoOoW >X3
Okay so maybe you were a little aggressive with him there. But you had to nip that tuft of fur in the tail before it turned into a set of clipped claws.
Wow, okay, you'll lay off the awful MeOwThErFuCkIn cAt pUnS, you're just sort of worked up and love using them. You better get in touch with your glubbin sea kitten counterpart!
-- temperamentallyCarnivorous [TC] began trolling argonCharybdis [AC] --
TC: WoRd uP My mEoWrAcUlOuS wAvE-CrEsTiNg hIsS-SiS! :3
AC: xε ~the curious kitten under the waters surfaces to meow glubbily at the noble green purrbeast!~
TC: ThIs wIcKeD MoThErFuCkIn lIoN iS AlL PaCiNg bAcK AnD FoRtH WiTh tHe rEmAiNs oF ThE HuNt iN HiS MoUtH
TC: He iS AlL TeLlIn tHe qUeEn oF ThE AqUaTiCaTs tHaT He tOoK CaRe oF ThE PuRrObLeM >x3
AC: :ε ~ thats good to know! i am really grateful.
AC: <:ε ~ i hope you werent TOO vicious about it.
TC: NaH My sIsTeR I WaS FiRm bUt nOt tOo cRuEl, OuR GoOd lItTlE YeLlOw mAn wAs wIlLiNg tO LiStEn tO WhAt tHe jUnGlE HaD To tElL HiM
AC: xε ~ purrrrrrfect.
AC: <:ε ~ i am really worried for him! the others would take advantage of him so quickly, itd be pawful.
AC: xε ~ this way we can all start to work together as a real team, no more of this silly split-rainbow meownsense.
TC: As lOnG As tHe oThEr bIg-bLuEs dOnT GeT ToO RoWdY ThEn fUcK YeAh!
TC: ThOuGh i gOtTa wOnDeR SiStEr, WhY Is oUr bOw-bRo nEeDiN YoU So mUcH AnYwAyS?
TC: DuDe iS PrEtTy hArMlEsS AlL On hIs mEoWn! :3
AC: xε ~the dread empuress gives a bubbly kitten giggle at the silly question!!~
TC: ThIs cUrIoUs cAt aInT FoLlWiNg, AnD HiS TaIl iS AlL A-FlIcK
AC: :ε ~ im the one who needs him as a moirail, dummy!
TC: WoAh rEaLlY?
AC: xε ~ if it wasnt for me knowing him, i dont think id EVER have ended up as pawcified as i am now.
AC: >:ε ~ i used to be pretty bad about landdwellers and all that silliness! hunting them and their lusus for my own was impawsibly fun
AC: xε ~ and sometimes i still find myself wanting to experience the power of the hunt and all the mewling it causes
AC: <:ε ~ but knowing equius sort of convinced me that was pretty apawmidable of me to be that way!
AC: xε ~ he has done so much to keep me in line, i wish he understood that
TC: I GuEsS ThAtS PrEtTy fUcKiN CoOl tO KnOw tHeN!
TC: ThIs lIoN Is gOnNa lEaVe yOu tO YoUr oCeAn nOw sO We cAn aLl bRiNg tHe nOiSe iNtO ThE GaMe, YeAh?
AC: xε ~ okay! see you in the game then. thanks again!
TC: YeAh uH No pRoBlEm mY MeOwSoMe sIsTeR
-- argonCharybdis [AC] ceased trolling temperamentallyCarnivorous [TC] --
Jegus doing a handstand on a musclebeast's ass, turns out there are some things you probably would feel safer not knowing. Well, what's done is done. On with the game. It's good you're really in touch with your wild side and your own violent tendencies, too.
Otherwise it'd be pretty sad if you weren't and flipped the fuck out and killed everything in sight! Heh. :3
White & Knight
Shit. Sshit sshit sshit sshit sshit sshit ssh-
Ugggh. Get ahold of yourself, Serket! You're sounding like Karkat. Still, SHIT. Kanaya's gone. There are giant Hellish spheres of fiery death plowing down from above. The others are in a tizzy slowly edging into full-blown screaming panic, and you're about to join the throng. You thought this was gonna be a GAME, not a goddamn exercise in world crisis management!
It's okay. You wanted to go with Kanaya, but she said you had to go in with your own hive. It didn't make sense, but she was frothing and looking more angry and intense than you've EVER seen her, so you sorta agreed and just backed down. Then she hugged you and ran so fast she nearly fell over. What a damn mess.
Not for the first time in your life, you're sort of confused and mildly scared and overall disoriented. The others have sent so many messages all this way and that, that you've just skimmed them and barely responded. Get in the game, get out of this deathtrap -- okay. You can do this. Simple, right? Yeah!!
Oh. No. Please no. Not now. You can't handle him right now. You're already tweaking out, you can't talk to him like this. But if you don't... this is the worst possible time for him to decide you need to be punished. Okay. Deep breath. Just give him the brush off and get back to work.
AG: No. Not Now. Go away. Pleasse.
For once, your stuttering pleas will be answered.
This is the last time we'll speak.
AG: Itt iss??!!
You're positively elated.
AG: Sshutt up!!
AG: I'm leaving foreveerr anywayss. You can't bullyy me anymore.
AG: Then what do you want??
Merely granting a parting courtesy, to thank you for your cooperation.
AG: I neeveer cooperated with youu!!
Yes. Despite that, you always did exactly as told.
AG: Becaussee you coerced me. You're a ssicko who likess forcing peoplee to do bad sstuff.
Did I? Or did you always do what I asked because I could infallibly provide protection for your friend?
AG: That'ss aa lie!! If I didn't do what you assked me you alwayss made bad sstuff happen!! Alwayyss!!
Did I cause the bad things to happen, or did I fail to prevent what was going to happen anyways because you refused to do what I asked?
It doesn't matter now. You failed, and saw the consequences. The lesson was taught.
I hope you recognize I made an effort to ensure neither of them ever found out you were the reason why it happened.
AG: I hate you. Ssoo mucchh.
You can stutter all you want. What's done is done. It was all necessary to ensure the events of this evening.
Though you will continue to fail countless times still, you are free of my requests, and she is free to live or die at her own behest, as are the others.
It's all on you now, I suppose.
AG: Are you done??
As promised, a parting courtesy; though you choose to not understand the outcome of your actions, I still imagine as a result of them there will be a silver lining.
The only question is if you'll be able to overcome your self-doubt long enough to recognize it.
I don't make bets.
But being as reliable as you are, I'd like to think you will.
AG: No morre. I don't want nicee worrdss. You're not nice. You'll never be nicce. You ussedd me andd made me do bad thingss. Nice wordsss willll never changee that.
Insincere as it sounds, I'm also sorry about your lusus.
He's right. He's right! He's always ALWAYS right.
You hate it so much. You hate how he knows everything, you hate how he can predict your every thought, you HATE how he always held those unspoken threats above your head, and made you do his dirty work; or was it just for his amusement? You don't know. It doesn't matter anymore, like he said. You'll never forgive him, but maybe now you can forget him... and what happened to Kanaya and Terezi. You'll never forgive yourself for that, no matter how many time you try to tell yourself it was HIS fault -- And what did that mean, him being sorry about Tinkerbull?
No more. You can't have a breakdown right now. Apparently too many people are relying on you, and you on them, to survive. Like he said; you all live or die of your own initiative now.
Protecting lives... you think you're horribly bad at that. You're just a dirty grubby stuttering stupid farmer. You don't think you could do it.
But soon, when you become the Knight of Life, you suppose you won't have much of a choice.
What the Hell are these sillyshits DOING? Here you are hurrying your perky red ass across the countryside while meteors drop in like they were visiting for fucking tea and grub cookies, and it comes to your attention that there are TEAMS, so only certain people will oblige to connect to you?! You're nearing last in as it is!
You know exactly who's behind THIS scam. Rather, you suspect several people, but know one you're eager to jump on first. May as well see if you can corner her into fessing up.
You... ow. Owww. You've got this growing migraine. Not sure why. There's just this tingly little pin creeping its way up your spine and into your eyes, and your bones ache. You swear you hear something whispering but it's probably just the air screeching from the meteors coming down.
Shit there she is. You know, that's the fun of being an open mutant. Whether maroon or blue as the sea, they all like to give you shit in equal measure. And you can dish it right back.
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling aethersAbrogation [AA] --
AA: n0 1 d0nt have t1me f0r y0u
-- aethersAbrogation [AA] ceased trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
She did not just do that. Bitch did NOT just do that. You... oh man that makes you. Just. Rrrrgh. Okay. She wants to play hardball? Yeah, well, you're the fucking captain of the imperial championship team.
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling aethersAbrogation [AA] --
GA: Oh Oops It Looks Like Im Bothering You Again
GA: I Presume You Dont Wish To Speak With Me Because I Might End Up Interrupting Your Failed Attempts To Impress Captor Who You Are So Transparently And Painfully Flushed For It Makes The Hue Of My Blood Seem Pale And Somber
GA: For You To Climb Down From Your Ivory Cylinder Hive And Explain To Me WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE THINKING When You Dared To Suggest That We Play With Our Lives By Splitting Us Into TEAMS
GA: Maybe You Could Take Ten Seconds To Plot A Chart To Show Me The Scientific Validity Of That
AA: y0u are b0r1ng me
GA: I Am Sympathetic To Your Mind Being So Void Of Any Thought That Is Not Rational That You Are Instantly Put Off By Contact With Another Living Being
GA: But I Am About To Die Screaming In Fire And Meteors So For Once I Do Not Give A Precious Shit About Your Eternal Boredom And Insatiable Need To Dislike Everyone
AA: y0u w0uld d0 well t0 st0p pretend1ng that the d1v1s10n 0f teams has anyth1ng t0 d0 w1th the state 0f my m1nd
GA: This Is Simply Another Way For You To Ingratiate Yourself To Captor And Attempt To Win His Favor Yet Again
GA: Despite That We Are Still In All Of This Together
GA: Whether You Like It Or Not
GA: Teamwork Is What Is Taking Place Here
GA: So I Request That All Attempts To Corner Me Into A Group And Possibly Deny Me Entry Be Ceased Immediately
GA: Are You Even Listening To Me
AA: 1m busy
GA: WITH WHAT YOU PETULANT SOCIAL CRIPPLE
With being harassed by someone equally pissed off, apparently.
-- coppiceCultivator [CC] began trolling aethersAbrogation [AA] --
CC: So I got λ little gλrden of respect I'm working on for you! It's λwful smλll, but we could mλke it BIGG-ΣR together. I'd reλlly like thλt, λrλdiλ, since we're on the sλme teλm. Even if the teλms λre just λ bunch of mulch!
AA: what d0 y0u want
AA: 1m busy
CC: Yeλh! I'd like to tλlk λbout thλt. You're busy getting into this gλme, λnd thλt's whλt I've λLR-ΣλDY done, so thλt's whλt we're going to discuss! Understood? :)
AA: 1 really d0nt 1ike y0ur t0ne 0f v01ce
CC: Thλt's just λ shrubbin' shλme!
CC: Becλuse I'm not chλnging it.
CC: -ΣSPECIλLLY since we both hλve business with Sollux λnd Cλptor! I think it'd be λ B-ΣRRY GOOD ID-Σλ if we could work out something λround thλt little detλil.
CC: I λm prodding you with λn olive brλnch λnd everything!
CC: ------Σ AA
AA: 1m n0t sure what y0ure referr1ng t0
CC: Don't be such λ tough nut to crλck!
AA: 1m just g01ng t0 bl0ck y0u and y0ur awful puns
CC: No, you're not.
CC: You're going to shut up and listen to me really carefully, Megido.
CC: I don't like you. At all. But we both have an issue; you're flushed for Captor, and it turns out I sort of have a little red flower blooming for Sollux. This puts us in a dangerous place.
CC: Reλlly, I don't wλnt λny trouble! But I know from tλlking with Sollux thλt you λre λ seriously bλd influence on Cλptor λnd encourλge him too much. Thλt meλns we're going hλve to reλch λ COMPROMIS----Σ.
AA: are y0u ser10usly threaten1ng me
CC: Oh, I don't need to!
CC: You've worked so hλrd to completely ISOLλT-E yourself sociλlly from the others, thλt you reλlly hλve very little ground to grow on!
CC: Ψhich meλns I defλult winning λny sort of λrgument or clλim you bring up with everyone else. :)
CC: Oh, did you finally get what I was saying? Good.
CC: C'mon λrλdiλ, there's PL-ΣNTY of room in this peλpod for λll four of us! :D
Oh God you're starting to bleed. Badly. Out of your fingernails even. Oh God the singing in your head and the screaming and fucking HELL what are they talking about.
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling tyrantsAccord [TA]
GA: Okay I Amf In A Hggury Here Are You Sollux Or Captor
TA: what the hell do you want?
GA: Damn It
GA: Damsn It A;;l
TA: angry enough to suffer a typiing iimpediiment?
GA: No B.ledding
TA: ah. ii thought you'd be iin by now. typiical you would lag behiind.
GA: Just Pleashr Madke Your Awful Grilrfriend Phull The Laboratory Proce7edure Glass Cylinder Out Of He3ur Wasdte Chtute So Someene Can GET ME IN
TA: oh, ii see. the teams, riight. almost forgot we were doiing that. fiine and proper way to keep you iin your place, down with the rustbloods. ii almost wiish there was a thiird team for seadwellers only.
GA: HWOW ABOGTU A TJURID TEAM FOFR MY FISGT IN YOUR FISHY FACE
TA: heh. ii guess iit'd be a shame for you to diie that quiickly. ii'll see who miight be perverse enough to get you iin, once ii have a moment.
GA: AA DFMGOMENT>!?
TA: busy talkiing, maneuveriing, poliitiics; nothiing you'd understand.
The fuck. Did they all just decide to make teams and then nearly forget about them? He has to be lying, like always. Doing it on purpose. The HELL is he talking to?!
-- coppiceCultivator [CC] began trolling tyrantsAccord [TA] --
CC: Sollux! Pleλse λccept my λpollengies for this M-ΣSS. :(
TA: aw don't worry feferi, i ju2t hope we can re2olve thi2 before 2omeone get2 hurt.
CC: I'm sure λrλdiλ will listen to wreλthson! She just needs λ little thyme. :D
TA: oh wow. haha. nice one2. ju2t dont pu2h her two hard, thing2 are way two precariou2 for anyone two freak out now and get 2omeone killed out of 2pite.
CC: Yeλh, I'm trying not to lose my temper. :(
CC: I just wλnt everyone to get in the greenhouse before the forest burns down!
CC: Literλlly burn down in my cλse.
TA: graciou2, yeah. who i2nt in?
CC: No shrubbin' ideλ, λctuλlly. I don't think Kλnλyλ is, λrλdiλ mentioned thλt.
TA: wait, 2huck2, i need two an2wer 2omeone, i'll be back. 2orry.
ow ow ow ow ow ow ow someone help already what is the god damn plan someone heeeeelp
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling tyrantsAccord [TA]
TA: kanaya! 2orry, i wa2 handling a problem with aradia and feferi and captor.
TA: what2 wrong?
TA: oh 2hoot
TA: youre not in.
TA: 2hee2h, we really 2hould have planned thi2 beforehand.
GA: BLDEEDING BACDLY PLDASE HURRYH
TA: right right ju2t hold on and ill 2ee what i can do.
TA: ju2t let me re2olve thi2 a2 quick a2 i can.
-- tyrantsAccord [TA] began trolling aethersAbrogation [AA] --
TA: may ii have a moment of your tiime?
AA: 0f c0urse y0u may
TA: whiile we agreed to engiineer teams of proper sociial diiviisiion iin the iinterests of sciience and tradiitiion, iit seems we have an excess of objectiions to the iidea, iincludiing one from sollux and hiis new choiice of a buddiing matespriit.
AA: s0 1 n0t1ced
TA: ii wanted to ask your opiiniion iif iit'd be worthwhiile to us to iinduldge theiir demands so we can try to avoiid unecessary confliict untiil we want iit to happen.
AA: 1f y0u th1nk 1ts a g00d 1dea 1m n0t 1ncl1ned t0 argue
TA: despiite the usual need for those of land and sea to be at odds, ii daresay ii value your opiiniion. ii'll try to smooth thiings over.
TA: really, you were born too low for someone of your iintellect, aradiia.
AA: flattered capt0r
AA: 1 sh0uld get back t0 learn1ng ab0ut the game n0w that 1m 1n
TA: of course. ii'll get to work tryiing to use some diiplomacy.
-- aethersAbrogation [AA] ceased trolling tyrantsAccord [TA] --
your name is kanaya maryam and you are 6 bloods old ouch no six sweeps your current interests are ow your lungs and your liver and you also are interested in not dying and blood and incredible pain beyond the reckoning of mortals also meteors owwwww
oh hey you got mail isnt that also interesting
-- coppiceCultivator [CC] began trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA]
CC: KλNλYλ! H-ΣY!
CC: Oh for the love of lettuce. :(
CC: You're λbout the lλst one in!
CC: I'm doing my best right now to work with the others to help you enter.
CC: Ψe gottλ figure out who isn't rooted down yet so you cλn be brought in!
CC: I'll tell you right the shrub NOW thλt -ΣRIDλN isn't going to be doing it though, don't worry.
GA: Wjusy NotnmE Eridan
CC: B-ΣCλUS-Σ H-Σ IS λ BλCK-STλBBING SON OF λ BIRCH.
CC: Don't trust him! He'll defoil you the second you give him λ chλnce, the CR-Σ-ΣP.
CC: Seriously, with fronds like him, who needs λnemones?
CC: It's fine though. I'm finding myself pretty hλppy with Sollux λfter speλking with him for λ while! Cλptor... is λ bit of λ bλd λpple. But Sollux is so rλisinλble with me! Ψe tλlked λ lot λbout our thoughts on sociλl justice, λnd how λll this unecessλry pruning of trolls might not be H-ΣλLTHY for us, λnd I'm -ΣXCIT-ΣD to mλybe meet with him λnd λdventure for λ while!
CC: It's exciting. I'm excited.
CC: Nooooot λbout λrλdiλ though. She's λ bit of λ jerk. I'm just re-leλfed she wλs sensible λbout our λrrλngment.
CC: Oh crud. I don't lichen this. :|
As you briefly blank out from the pain, you're pretty sure it was from the awful puns, not the eldritch scream of dying agony in your head.
Thank God you never made a habit of, like, auspisticizing for these nutcases or anything.
jegus blood blood blood all screams and glubs you never thought something could hurt so much just a thousand needles threading your mind and your bones hurt and the marrow is bursting out just gotta go a bit further almost there
someone pestering you why now what the hell
-- chronicAugustus [CA] began trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
CA: kan hon youvve almost Made It so come on keep movvin
GA: B<Ldeedkng Bad HBefre Eridsn Bsd Time To talmk
CA: kan i knoww dont wworry youre gonna make it This Time
CA: keep lookin at my Wwords keep talkin to me and youll Make It
GA: KI Dlnt NHave Time gTlo Talk Glub in myh mind Bldededing
CA: Time kan
CA: lemme tell you Time is all wwe got
CA: least all I got anywways
CA: i knoww its hurtin kan but you gotta Trust Me and keep readin
CA: first you gotta Sloww Dowwn and breathe go too fast right noww and the blood is gonna choke your lungs
GA: Fkinde Finme Fine
GA: Sllow And Breeagthe KAN Do
CA: thats the best part about you
CA: alwways keepin onto Humor evven in the wworst of it
GA: VFJUK YOU
CA: good keep the Anger strong too just not too strong else youre gonna bleed out
CA: wwipe some of the Blood off yer hands so you can type a bit better
CA: i got them tellin me wwhats got to happen so dont panic
GA: Got Wjhyo
CA: the ones im seein wwhen i Sleep
CA: ivve been Awwake long as you havve kan but i aint got Clouds if you remember
CA: just the same kinda Screams as you got goin through your head right noww
CA: knoww it does hon you just gotta keep lookin at these wwords and movvin nice an Steady you got me
CA: youre gonna LIVVE This Time okay
GA: Canf Thnkin,k Eridan i CDont Reallh Undedrsgtand
CA: youll learn soon, your Clouds just like to showw and aint sayin much compared to the sky i got, but youre Blood and im Time and i got the melody tuned to keep us alivve
CA: listen i knoww its pissin you off but think about vvriska an howw unhappy shes gonna be if you Bite It
CA: an think about howw much youll piss off the Blue Bloods if youre keepin alivve
GA: Erkdan I Dnt UNDRRSTAND
CA: yeah youre not supposed to really i just gotta keep you talkin and wwalkin youll probably read the log after you get in so dont wworry
GA: see My Hive
CA: oh for Fucks Sake good
CA: you just keep runnin then get inside and get Set Up
CA: i gotta make sure karkat an fef are in i forget if they are by noww
GA: Arwe ou In
CA: my past self is yeah
GA: wha t
CA: hearin the Glub noww
CA: already startin to Bleed Out
CA: been nice knowwin you kan
-- chronicAugustus [CA] ceased trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
Okay... okay. You've calmed down. Now is the time to do this. This is likely the exact moment this needs to happen. You're already attuned to spotting moments of kismet at fifty paces, and the little bell screaming in your sunny head is provoking a pavlovian hysteria.
You've always hated that saying, "This is going to hurt me a lot more than it hurts you" -- always seemed apologetic for abomidable behavior. But right now, you realize why it came into existence. For times like this.
Is this actually the right thing to do? Fucked if you know. Six sweeps of shadowy dreams and eerie whispers didn't really prepare you for the consequences of your role. You're going to go on gut instinct for once.
Or maybe it's just fear driving you.
-- chronicAugustus [CA] began trolling coppiceCultivator [CC] --
CA: fef wwe need to Talk
CC: -Σridλn! You've been gone for λ long time! Ψhλt's up?
CA: fef listen i Aint Sure howw to say this
CC: You dope. You just open your root-chute λnd SλY it! :D
CC: But you listen first, I HλV-Σ to tell you something importλnt!
CC: Or, well, λsk you.
CA: you do?
CC: Okλy you cλn't lλugh.
CC: I've been thinking λbout our whole relλtionship thing λnd whλt you sλid.
CC: Ψλit! Listen.
CC: I think you were right. It is sort of silly we're moirλils. We don't even N-Σ-ΣD one λnother for thλt. We're λ pλir of tree-loving hedge-heλds! We're too down in the grλss to be dλngerous. So I think we should stop being moirλils.
CA: oh jeez fef that is Exactly wwhat i wwanna Talk About
CC: It is? :D
CC: I thought λbout it a lot. λnd I was thinking if we don't need to be PλL-Σ, mλλλλybe we could try being...
CC: MλT-ΣSPRIT-ΣS? :o
CA: oh fef
CC: λre you speechless? :)
CA: fef this is wwhy i should havve gone First
CC: Whλt do you mean?
CA: fef listen
CA: i cant be your moirail
CA: and i cant be your Matesprit either
CA: please Understand me fef
CA: ivve just been Thinking and doing stuff since wwe Got In and
CA: i really think it aint a Good Idea for us to be in any kind of relationship anymore
CC: You've got to be kidding me.
CA: fef i Promise im not trying to be cruel here i really mean it when i think it aint a Good Idea
CC: You're rejecting me.
CA: i Guess i am yeah
CA: fef not because i dont think youre not the most wwonderful person im evver gonna knoww
CA: but ivve been Talkin to People and seen some things and just got this Feelin wwere both gonna be a lot better off not doing anything pale or flushed or nothin together
CC: Okλy. I think I λm reλlly sort of hurt and confused right now. I think I λm prodding you with my huge oversized sλlλd fork and wondering what the H-ΣCK you mean. :(
CA: fef i Dont Knoww howw to tell you
CA: im already startin to envvision them just pilin up evven if i think i knoww the First Rule about this business
CA: because i dont knoww if i can Commit to keepin that rule wwhen i can see a chance to change the Melody for you all for the better
CA: i mean apparently i already wwent and Changed it once and wwhat had to be Changed wwas chillin enough that i dont wwanna evver see it happen and i cant explain it
CC: -Σridλn you λre making no shrubbing S-ΣNS-Σ! <:(
CA: i think wwe should just Part WWays here
CC: ΨOΨ. Okλy! Sure thing mister λmporλ. I used to think you were reλlly cool! I just stuck my heλrt out on λ fork for you λnd you send it bλck to the chef. I try to understλnd whλt's wrong and you tell me to make like λ tree and LEλF! λfter λll we've been through? We can't even still just be friends?!
-- coppiceCultivator [CC] ceased trolling chronicAugustus [CA] --
All this time you were growing flush for her and nervous about suggesting it, and then she drops that on you. After years of being genuine friends. And you have to go and say no. Wow. You feel like shit. But hey, at least you don't feel as bad as this guy over here, right? Haha! Ha. Hah...
You figure you'll cool it on the fuckin' time travel for a while.
YES! You did it! You're in the Medium safely at last. Even your shiner is looking better finally. But there will be time for accolades and anxieties later. Right now, you want to be a part of a very long overdue reunion with someone who matters very much to you.
DADSPRITE: My beautiful daughter. I am so happy to see you once more.
KANAYA: I Missed You So Much
DADSPRITE: And I missed you.
KANAYA: I Knew My Visions Would Come True
KANAYA: You Are Alive And Well Once More
DADSPRITE: Indeed I am. You have a great and perilous journey ahead of you, daughter. As the Heir of Blood you and your eleven friends will have many trials you will face together, and it is by the bond of your blood that victory may be possible.
KANAYA: I Promise I Will Do All I Can To See Us Victorious
DADSPRITE: I believe in you.
DADSPRITE: With that out of the way I can drop the formalities.
DADSPRITE: Kanaya, my dearest daughter?
KANAYA: Yes Dad
DADSPRITE: I need to ask you something important.
KANAYA: Of Course Dad I Will Answer As Best I Can
DADSPRITE: Good. I want to know.
DADSPRITE: WHAT IN THE NAME OF MY ROTTEN HOLLOWED OUT CARAPACE MADE YOU THINK IT WAS A GOOD IDEA TO OPENLY REVEAL YOUR BLOOD AND PARADE IT AROUND LIKE IT WAS A BADGE OF HONOR
DADSPRITE: THUS ENDING WITH ME GETTING MY HEAD BLOWN OFF BY THE DISCHARGE OF NO LESS THAN SIX TWO-CYLINDER SPREADSHOT FIREARMS.
KANAYA: You Mean A Shotgun
DADSPRITE: DON'T TAKE THAT HIGH-BLOODED TONE OF VOICE WITH ME YOUNG LADY.
KANAYA: Oh SURE Dad Sure As If You Made It Easy For Me By Defaulting To Extreme Aggression If Someone As So Much As Sneezed At Me Wrong
DADSPRITE: I HAD YOUR BEST INTERESTS AT HEART.
KANAYA: Well It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time DAD And I Even Asked Vriska And She Sai-
DADSPRITE: OH OF COURSE YOU LISTENED TO THE STUTTERING OVERACHIEVER. WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO THAT WORTHLESS EIGHT-EYED BUCKET KICKER? ONLY GOOD ADVICE HE EVER HAD. OR MAYBE CONSULTED THE BLUE-BLOOD SCIENCE GIRL AND AT LEAST TRY TO GET FORGED PAPERS.
KANAYA: DONT YOU BRING THEM INTO THIS DAD I HANDLED IT AS WELL AS I THOUGHT I SHOULD AND AS THE VISIONS TOLD ME
DADSPRITE: OH YES, THE VISIONS. ALWAYS HAVE TO FOLLOW THOSE TO THE LETTER. I'M SURE YOU COULDN'T JUST HAVE TOLD YOUR FRIENDS AND NOBODY ELSE AND MAYBE JUST PRETEND TO BE ANOTHER COLOR, OR BANISH THE THOUGHT, JUST KEPT IT ANONYMOUS. COULD HAVE SPENT A NICE FEW PEACEFUL YEARS BEFORE THE WORLD ENDED.
KANAYA: OH SURE ANOTHER FEW YEARS OF BEING SICK AND SCARED ALL THE TIME ABOUT BEING A HUGE MUTANT FREAK PETRIFIED OF SO MUCH AS SCRAPING HER KNEE
KANAYA: AND CRAMMING ROE CUBES DOWN YOUR CHUTE TO SILENCE YOUR INCESSANT NANNYING
DADSPRITE: YOU THINK I DIDN'T FEEL YOUR PAIN? THAT I DIDN'T WORRY ALL THE TIME AND WISH SO MUCH IT COULD BE DIFFERENT? BUT NO YOU HAD TO ACT LIKE AS MUCH OF A WRIGGLER AS WHEN I DUG YOU OUT OF THAT METEOR CRATER
KANAYA: Wait What
DADSPRITE: WHOOPS. NEVERMIND YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE SHIT. GO BE A DEAR AND MAKE SURE YOUR SERVER PLAYER ISN'T A TOTAL IDIOT WITH HOW THEY BUILD UP THE HOUSE, NOT THAT YOU'LL DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT. I LOVE YOU.
KANAYA: PISS OFF DAD
KANAYA: I LOVE YOU TOO
Christ. What an asshole!
You missed him so much.
Red & White
The Heir of Blood has taken her place in the Land of Snow and Sanguine.
Last in of anyone in the two chains, you just barely avoided death on your meteor-drowned world. It would have been REALLY NICE of Equius to have told you that you needed to be in an abode of your OWN to get brought into the game; no hitching rides with Vriska. Could have saved you the day's frantic trip through the burning landscape to the boarded-up remains of your lawnring, while you nearly bled out as the Vast Glub curbstomped your mind.
You wander away from your hive to have a moment alone. A snowbound landscape stands in silence, swept by a strange, cloudless storm that falls from a black sky, as steaming waves of blood lap the shores and flow from ornate shrines surrounded by delicate trees. It's freakin' cold.
You like it.
-- aurochsGore [AG] began trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
AG: Okay sso I ssee you're online.
AG: Sso THAT meanss you're alive, right??
GA: I Will Not Lie Vriska It Was Cut As Close As A Thread Through A Needles Eye
GA: But As You Can See I Am Indeed Alive And Well
AG: Okay good! Great. Awessome. I wassn't worried that bad!! I wass confident. I mean the otherss told me there wass meteorss and sscreamss and glubss and pandemonium but you're alive. Cool.
GA: I Am
GA: Really Really Sorry
GA: That You Had To Deal With That Stunt Being Pulled
AG: Kanaya... no more apologiess. Let'ss jusst get on with the game.
GA: No Listen
GA: Vriska If I Can Be Foul For A Second
GA: I Am Not Going To Apologize But I Am Going To State I Have Been a Pretty Shitty Moirail
GA: And Honestly Now That We Are In The Game
GA: I Dont Want You To Have To Suffer That Responsibility Anymore
AG: What?? You mean you don't want to be friendss or anything anymore?? }:(
GA: No No No
GA: I Just
GA: Want You To Be Free To Not Worry About Me Anymore
GA: I Put You Through Years Of My Theatrics And Problems And You Never Deserved That
AG: Okay. I think. What do you want then??
GA: I Want To Be Friends Of Course I Care About You
GA: I Suppose That
GA: Vriska Listen I Want To Say Something But I Am Not Sure It Is Right Or If This Is Even The Time
GA: So How About I Think On It And I Can Be Sure When We Meet Again
GA: And Until Then How About We Try To Have Fun And Maybe Just Talk To Each Other In A Context That Does Not Revolve Around My Wellbeing
GA: I Would Really Like That To Happen
AG: Well, ssure. I'll sstill worry about you, but I guessss you're not in huge danger anymore. No more bad breakss! That'ss cool.
GA: It Is Pretty Cool Isnt It
GA: I Will Stop Apologizing So Much Too
GA: If You Want To Be Mad At Me You Have Every Right
AG: Oh come on. I can't get THAT mad. Not like you can, haha!! I think thiss iss good. Just palss. I can live with that.
GA: Just Pals
GA: Well Um
GA: I Look Forward To Seeing You Again Vriska
GA: In A Context That Is Neither Panicked Nor Apologetic
AG: Ssure, I guessss. Good thing we got thiss game! Otherwise I wouldn't know what to do with you, haha. }:)
GA: Suppose So
GA: I Best Go And Begin My Journey
GA: You Are Already A Ways Ahead Of Me
AG: Yeah!! Hurry up and alchemize ssome awessome gear already. You don't have to wear ragss anymore.
GA: Oh I Will
GA: But Well I Do Want To Keep The Coat You Made Me
GA: Not Getting Rid Of That Ever
AG: Haha, it'ss not THAT great. But ssure.
GA: It Is And I Will Hear Nothing To The Contrary
GA: My Most Prized Possession
AG: Well ssheessh if you ssay sso, bossssyfang. }:p
GA: I Best Go Then
GA: Please Take Care Until I Catch Up
AG: Yeah, ssee you! You reminded me, I'm gonna go make ssome wicked red ssneakerss.
-- aurochsGore [AG] ceased trolling gloomyApoplectic [GA] --
Right so that went... ok. Not great. You had a chance right there, but decided not to take it. You have too many doubts. Maybe she just wants to be friends. Maybe she's kinda pissed at you and is just hiding it. Maybe it'll be different when she wakes up. Maybe you weren't much to her other than someone she had to care for and keep alive, which she doesn't have to do anymore. Maybe that changes everything.
Maybe is such a stupid loaded word.
You'll stick to what you told her. You'll meet up, and then you'll make up your mind whether to tell her or not. It really isn't different from before, is it? You're still so busy and occupied that it's just something that's fallen to the wayside. You hope that changes.
Crap. You're bleeding out again. You seriously need to get back and patch up before you get mobbed and turn this place into the Land of Blood and More Blood. Maybe make some new duds at last, too. But you're keeping the coat just as it is. It's kept you warm for this long.
With it, no matter where you go, she's there with you.
You could alchemize all sorts of things. Being last in the chain, everyone else has already gathered enough grist to create a city, if they wanted. There's plenty in the shared cache.
But you don't make much. No fancy armor, no stupendous upgrade to your weapons, no frivolous toys or experimental crouf. Maybe you'll do that later. But the chainsaw you lifted from a felled FLARP hunter still works just fine. You repair your shoes, allowing the luxury of making them slip-ons. You fix your old skirt, and turn the remnants into a raggy little cape for the snow. Heck, there's even time to finally tend to your stringy mop of hair.
Last, you make yourself a new shirt, and throw it on under the coat. You wash said coat up, and then patch it by hand. Perfect. When you see her again, maybe she'll ask about it, and then maybe you can take the lead from there. That'd be nice. 'Maybe' doesn't always have to be so bad.
Maybe now you can start looking and acting like the Heir this game says you are.
Land and Titles
> Sgrub Players: Deal with your granted titles and lands.
Okay? Sure thing. Let's take a look at each and see how they feel about this mess.
> Kanaya: Become the HEIR OF BLOOD
in the LAND OF SNOW AND SANGUINE.
You've already done that! Well, okay, that's a bit metatextual. You suppose you're not fucking surprised in the least. Wow, you have something to do with blood, awesome and totally unexpected. Being an Heir though... of what, precisely? You never did really find out during your adventure, but you did end up with a metric shit-ton of MANGRIT in those bony arms of yours, like any good Heir. Great for hauling a chainsaw about, you suppose. ...you'd later learn, after the game was lost, what it meant to be an Heir, and it was not to your liking. But then, not much is. You still tried, though, once you understood how much it mattered.
You like your Land plenty. It's just, soothing. Cold and dark, silent save for the gurgle of blood pouring from very pretty shrines and ornaments and waterfalls. Sometimes you just want to fall into a snow drift and not get out. Just let it bury you in white. But that'd be awful dangerous.
> Terezi: Become the SEER OF DOOM
in the LAND OF CHROMA AND RADIO.
You may not be totally blind, and are mostly deaf too, but have no problem being a Seer. Must be a universal constant. h3h3h3h3h3h3h3. The voices of the doomed and dead hiss into your deathtouched ears all the time, always keeping you one step ahead of the barely-perceived world around you, in its wash of blurry colors and muffled sounds. Damnation is your meat and potatoes.
Your Land couldn't be better. All these weird and ornate glass containers, all dripping with musical colors, like tears wept from the sin-weary eyes of a thousand condemned souls. And if you want to hear said condemned, you merely need to listen closely to the baroque radios set into the stone everywhere, some as big as a building, forever whispering prophecy and curses under a hissing sky of dark static.
> Vriska: Become the KNIGHT OF LIFE
in the LAND OF GRAVES AND FLOOD.
Nope, still not comfortable with that. You, a Knight? Who defends lives?! Why not the, like, Farmer of Corn, or the Stuttering Stablemaster of Crippled Hoofbeasts or something? But no, a Knight you are and grew into being, even if you tragically lack the trappings of such; you never read about any holy warriors who wore scrubby oversized shirts and rolled dice at their foes. That's okay, though; you try, sincerely. You even alchemized a little sword and shield and some armor, though you never use them. And those pretty white fluffy wings you ended up with? So SO embarrassing.
You don't fare much better with your Land. It isn't bad! Just so... sad, and melancholy. All these muted colors and misty fields and lukewarm flood waters, along with ENDLESS graveyards, as far as the eyes can see. You never dug them up for treasure, it seemed really disrespectful. Everything about the place just constantly made you afraid for the fate of your friends and had you resolve to try as hard as possible, no matter how frustrating it got.
> Equius: Become the PRINCE OF SPACE
in the LAND OF LOTUS AND FROGS.
Maybe you don't need a towel, but you do need some tissues. You? PRINCE? Of what, robots and baking ovens? How could you ever be Princely in any way, something as low and yellow-blooded as you? But you have to try, for the sake of the Empress. Worse, you nearly had a nervous breakdown when you found out YOU were responsible for birthing the new universe. By... hunting frogs. Flipped right the fuck out, ate about a pound of mind honey cookies in your state of terror. That kind of responsibility and noble endeavor should in no way have ever been up to you, but, you did your best.
Which was the point, really.
Your Land was equally problematic. All ponds and lakes and lily pads on top of huge weird fractal flowers and it was just so slimy and humid and BRIGHT. You were used to a clean dry mechanical apartment, not something so tremendously organic and crawling with life. Even if you grew into it, you still felt at first your role should have gone to a highblood. If only because it meant less frog slime on your pretty little hands.
At least your consorts loved your baking.
> Gamzee: Become the ROGUE OF VOID
in the LAND OF RELIC AND ASH.
Can mew. I mean do. Your role and word was rather vague, and what you learned about it you kept to yourself. Being a Rogue was all well and good, even if you were used to being a little more direct about your ways. As for the Void part, you... well. You ended up spending a lot of time with Equius and helping him.
Your Land you also liked, though you also kept that to yourself. Nobody else much did. It looked like the remains of a bombed-out hellworld, all eerie urban ruins and ash storms choking the sky. It was another kind of jungle to you, one you survived in just as easily as the greener ones back home. ...maybe you even thrived in it.
> Eridan: Become the MAGE OF TIME
in the LAND OF CELLULOID AND SILVER.
You sometimes like to stop and ask Fate why it decided you were the chump it wanted to manage the tangled disaster known as time, but then panic sets in as you realize another mistake was made, and then you either end up dead because you doomed the timeline, or rush to create a messy loop to keep things stable. Oh, and a Mage to boot! Yeah, time IS fuckin magic. And you're the amateur fucktard at talent night trying to pull a rabbit out of his ass while getting booed off the stage.
Ugh, yeah, at least your Land is pretty comfortable, if eerie. You love films of all kinds, and this place is just one gigantic mystic movie theater. Stages, dim lights, comfortable chairs, criss-crossing film reels spinning everywhere, all replaying memories and images of time itself, everything awash in a gentle silver glow. Well, along with the literal silver constructs and a pervasive use of the metal in all things.
> Feferi: Become the MAID OF RAGE
in the LAND OF GARDENS AND STEEL.
Uh... sure? This title makes you sort of nervous and upset. You? Rage?! About what! That's Kanaya's job, she's the one who goes nuts with anger, not you! You're a chill-chick. You keep it smooth and cool as a dew-dropped leaf. Refreshing as a midnight salad. You-- well sure, you do get angry about some stuff. But not enraged!! That's just so not you, really! You got plenty of unresolved problems and tension, but like you said dammit, that's Kanaya's job to flip the fuck out like a shitweasel because her shoelaces are untied or whatever. You just... keep calm. Nice and steady. Spent your whole life that way. You're not an apoplectic nutjob. Not bottled up at all. Nope.
...your Land is pretty neat. All a weird blend of dark colored gardens that segue seamlessly into metal doppelgangers of plant life, twisting together almost inseparably. You don't much like the harsh metal, but did come to admire its cold strength. And look, listen, if there was the occasional fist-shaped dent here and there, or a snapped tree, it was probably an ogre, okay?
> Karkat: Become the THIEF OF HEART
in the LAND OF RUBY AND OBSIDIAN.
No fucking shit. If you were anything else you'd have to personally open up the game somehow to give the administrator the business. All the hearts belong to you, all of them. Plus, Thief? You can dig it. Have to have a more subtle touch, be a bit more sneaky? Sure. Maybe a lot of the lessons were lost on you, but whatever! You're fucking gr8t!!!!!!!!
So was your Land. Everywhere you looked in your cavernous world, there was black engraved walkways and lava flows and carved ruby spires and waterfalls. You managed your world like you did the quadrants, playing four-square as though you were the last rel8tionship counselor on Alternia.
WHICH YOU ARE BECAUSE ALL THE OTHERS ARE DEAD. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
> Aradia: Become the WITCH OF MIND
in the LAND OF TOMES AND HIVES.
Eeeeuuuugghh. Okay, so we haven't seen much of you, but it's obvious this was a challenge. You're about as ivory tower and socially maladjusted as they come. You sought greater mental challenge, and suddenly the game is telling you that you need to be more mystical and less scientific, and ALSO have to suddenly become a master of understanding how people think, and not just what they know. Incredibly difficult and awkward. You LOVE being SMART, not a MAGICAL MAGICKY SOCIAL FUCKING BUTTERFLY.
Your Land was just as insulting. All these magical tomes, everywhere, literally forming buildings and roads, and worse, they all often malformed into hives -- not homes, but actual insectoid hives full of weird-colored magic wasps who all buzzed about in their little social cooperative dance. Tch.
> Tavros: Become the BARD OF LIGHT
in the LAND OF SOLAR AND HARMONY.
Sure thing! You are a lucky son of a bitch, because really your role ended up demanding you just be more like you! You already had a lot of luck, and now you're practically shitting golden horseshoes wrapped with 4-leaf clovers. You came to learn it was all about sharing the luck, though, making sure the fortune came to everyone. You kinda spent too much time swallowing pie and staring off into the sky, but you gave the whole game thing a try. It mingled nicely with your weird philosophies, you found.
Your Land was just damn peachy. The sky was dark as if it was night, but from clefts in the blackness came rays of golden sunlight, which powered strange harmonic machines jutting up from the glittering earth. The whole place was one gigantic solar-powered musical amusement park. Kind of an easy ride, honestly, but hey, LUCK~Y.
> Sollux: Become the PAGE OF HOPE
in the LAND OF SILK AND EMPYREAN.
Well, your more pacifist personality was fine with that. Being a Page? You needed to learn humility. Hope? You had to hold tight to it. Try to understand that sacred power your race seemed to loathe. But your more tyrannical half, hoo-boy, he hated being branded with such a lowly title. The only hope he had was to beat the game quickly and enter the new universe so he could set himself up as consummate ruler of the whole thing. You fought, rather violently and often without success, to keep yourself balanced and not flying too far from one mind to the other.
Your Land... well, both of you agreed that the place was a fucking nightmare, if a well dressed one. Silks adorned and draped its every inch, often indicating the danger level of where you were, as nameless and holy structures rose among a swirling wind of fabrics, which seemed to hide unspeakable wheels of eyes and wings and fire. Those things scared you shitless and kept you both agreeing to just try to get through with as little fuss as possible.
> Nepeta: Become the SYLPH OF BREATH
in the LAND OF GALES AND WAVES.
Heh! You thought you'd get something a little more cuddly. Or violent! :ε
Either way you learned to dig it. You were always one with the waters, now you had to learn to move the airs, joining sky and sea and coming to terms with the storm inside of your own heart. You were pretty good at the Windy Thing, even if you dickered around a lot and blew time with Equius frog-hunting instead. But you still learned the secrets of being a magical wind-witch, and slowly let go of your regal issues. Purrfect. >Xε
Your land was a sight to behold. Barely any Land to speak of, it was all oceans and storms and gales and hurricanes and tornadoes and typhoons and MEOW I mean WOW. But you discovered the waters were not nearly as important as the roaring skies above you, and the Breeze hid many secrets.
. . .
Not that it mattered, in the end. For any of you, save maybe Vriska; lot of good it did her. Destinies were mostly ignored, powers forgone for what was innate, the game beaten and practically ripped to shreds. You won the victory of the letter, but forewent the spirit of it. But maybe that was why you ended up meeting them, after the end of your quest. Four more players with whom you become entwined.
A Seer of Breath in the Land of Wind and Rain.
A Knight of Light in the Land of Heat and Light.
A Witch of Time in the Land of Frost and Clockwork.
And an Heir of Space, in the Land of Shade and Frogs.
Adventures of Stabman & Chaingirl
Wow! So your adventure is off to a rousing start. Pretty cool, all things considered. Butcher minion, recieve grist. Hell of a lot easier than dealing with blood-hunters. Just gotta get grist, build, go through gates, investigate stuff... you really don't know games well but this seems manageable.
Oh hey cool. Look at this guy! He's a lot bigger than the imps! Plus he's all pitch black instead of blood red. Seems... different. Is he a friend? Really, you have no idea how this stuff works. Maybe you should try talking to --
AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRHHHH JEEEEEEEEGUS SHIT IN A FUCK HEADED TWIN BITCHED MOTHERCUNTING WHORECOCK UP THE WASTE TUBE HE STABBED YOU
YOU JUST WASHED THIS GOD DAMN THING
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] began trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
GA: Vriska I Have Good News
AG: Hey!! What'ss up??
GA: We Have Made A New Ally In Our Campaign Against The Black Monarchs
AG: We made what in the who?
GA: Rulers Of The Dark Kingdom And Army We Have To Defeat
AG: Ohhh. Okay, cool. How'd you do that??
GA: Well He Stabbed Me
GA: Nevermind I Should Not Have Said That
AG: What. Are you out of your nook?? I fed you enough before you left, right?? Thiss issn't delirium??
GA: No No
GA: No I Do Not Apologize Right
GA: It Is Complicated It Was A Mistake Really We Talked It Out
GA: He Is A Double Agent Named Jack Who Wishes To Help Us Overthrow The Queen
GA: If We Can Work Together To Create A Plan It Could Make Victory Much Easier For Us
AG: So we're gonna trusst a guy who sstabss people to ssay hello and iss a traitor to take down thiss Queen?
AG: Well. Heck. Not exactly different than what we ussed to put up with, right??
GA: I Double Promise This Will Be A Good Idea Vriska
GA: And Your Trust And Help Would Mean A Lot To Me
AG: Okay!! I'll help thiss weirdo then. But only becausse you assked. Any funny bussssinessss from him and I'm gonna jusst put him out to passture!!
GA: Oh God Not The Farm Puns Please I Beg Of You
AG: Haha, okay, fiiine. Missss Bossssiesst of Bossssyfangss. }:D
GA: Sorry I Havent Caught Up Yet
GA: Occupied With Jack And The Lore Of My Land And Everything Else
GA: Really Hope To See You Soon
AG: Aw don't worry. We're all plowing through. You'll catch up soon enough!!
GA: Have You
GA: Woke Up Yet
AG: What'ss that mean??
GA: I Had Best Go Again
GA: Jack Is Sort Of Just Standing There
GA: No Need To Tempt Him Into More Stabbing
GA: It Was A Joke
-- gloomyApoplectic [GA] ceased trolling aurochsGore [AG] --
Okay so maybe it wasn't a joke. Should have kept your trap shut. Ergh. Man this is bleeding bad. That sword is stupidly sharp. Still, now you have an ally. Okay, no, listen, you KNOW Vriska is right. This guy is about as stable as a jar of nitroglycerin in a dryer set to high. He's already stabbed you like three times. But you have an ally against the Queen now!
...he didn't make a big deal out of your blood. You asked. He said you bled the same as anyone else. Everyone here has red blood. You're the normal one now.
So stupid. Made your judgment lapse. It shouldn't mean so much to you.
But it does.
I'M A PRICKLY PEAR
> Red Kanaya: I'M A VAMPIRE I'M A VAMPIRE I'M A VAMPIRE I'M A VAMPIRE I'M A VAMPIRE I'M A VAMPIRE
What? She thinks that's really dumb. Vampire? You mean Rainbow Drinker? Does she LOOK like some candy-ass sparkle-shitting sun-humping throat-nibbler? No. Piss off. She has bodies to harvest in the eternal darkness of her Land for delicious red grist, and a stabby sire I mean father-figure to appease. That's not vampiric in the least.
> Jade Eridan: I'M A VA--
Would you kan it.
I mean can it. Sorry. Listen, he stopped reading that stupid sun-soaked shit sweeps ago. Around the time he took up sniping the dead from his hive and seeing through his scope just how horrible the things were. There's no damn way he'd want to become one of those things.
> Oh. Okay then.
Good. Glad we're in agreeme--
> Red Kanaya: DO THE BLOODY THING DO THE BLOODY THING DO THE BLOODY THING
WOULD YOU JUST FUCK OFF ALREADY AS YOU CAN SEE SHE IS BUSY
ah okay you are feeling tuckered out. Whew! You found a return node, and think it's time for a break. Especially after meeting your new friend and being perforated a few dozen times.
Okay, fine, that's an exaggeration. It was close to a dozen but no more than that. He even cut his own arm open to prove what he said when you asked; there it was! Blood red as yours and the oceans of your world. Red red red, in majority. Hah.
Still ow. You're cold and tired and achey. You guess you could get some sleep? Maybe, you really don't have the hours to spare. It's been a long time since you slept in your hive, actually. You guess you'll pop awake in your tower on the moon again.
That'd be nice. Ever since you went on the run, whenever you slept you'd find yourself in the streets of Prospit. Usually being poked and stared at. Embarrassing! But you were always okay with it, as long as you got to dream there. You shudder to think what it'd have been like to dream as a normal troll does, always away from sopor. You don't think you'd handle nightmares well at all. But hey! Your waking life was a nightmare anyways, so a good trade-off?
Look at that!! Your old set of grubbly little pillows! Dadsprite must have found and laundered them for you; you'll have to hug him in thanks later. Awesome, it even has your favorite brown one. Maybe you could make some more, create a little pad to flop onto. Let's try that.
ah whoops. You hit the auto-repeat option by mistake; way too many extra pillows. Right just gotta find the right button to turn it off and
who would even alchemize these......