>Do not notice the creepy puppet staring through the window. It is not there. It is not breathing heavily on the window.

>>340
>Do not notice the creepy puppet staring through the window. It is not there. It is not breathing heavily on the window.

That's true, it doesn't seem to be breathing at all, much less on the window.

And nobody could possibly notice any puppet through such an amazing window as this.

>>341
>That's a pretty shitty window if you can't notice anything through it!
>Iustus: Throw shoe at such a shitty window

>>342
Preposterous! Not only would that leave you without a shoe, you are a GUEST in this hive! Breaking a window would be an enormous faux pas!

JUST WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, ANYWAY?

WOOHOO! WE'RE BACK ON THE AIR!

Evadne, it seems the wretched soul that was supposed to arrive thismorning hasn't show up. That clears your schedule; how about showing this elegant and handsome and confident and well-built and (whoa, down girl!)... ahem. Sorry.
> Evadne: show your new matesprit your VARIETY of INTERESTS.

>>345

>Evadne: Wonder who or what your newly acquired matesprit is staring at in a such a disapproving manner.

You pull your matesprit away from the blank section of wall he's glaring at - hey, you've seen trolls do stranger things - to show him some of your VARIED INTERESTS.

You take him to your private rec room and show him your AMORPHOUS FURNITURE. The two of you sink into some AMORPHOUS CHAIR-REPLACEMENT PODS. He agrees that it provides incomparable support.

> Iustus: Remember that you forgot something.

Suddenly Iustus remembers that he forgot something.

Unfortunately, he cannot remember what he forgot, because he forgot it and cannot remember it due to a recent bout of uncharacteristic disrememberitude. It bothers him so when he can't remember something that he forgot.

You ask Evadne if she knows what you've forgotten.

>>381
Whoops that was a mistake. Girl's got ideas of her own over here.

>>382
Yakety Sax

I should add I am not saying it is a bad thing for women to have thoughts and ideas of their own. I realize everyone here gets what I mean anyway but I'm just covering my ass bases here.

>Wear Evadne's hat. Waive any regulations regarding matesprit-hat-wearing.

>Evadne: Wonder why he always runs.

>Make use of karaoke stage in corner. Sing Journey.

In your mad dash to escape an awkward (read: intimate) situation, you stumble into a pile of Evadne's hats. One of them lands on your head.

You feel very silly.

You realize he's always running. So many things cross your mind... is it a fear of intimacy, or is he just plain shy? Does he feel unworthy?

On second thought, you'll just try to get him to open up with some karaoke. That might possibly work.

And ze sun shines oooon ze baaaaaaaaay...

Hey look, he's getting closer!

>>468
Nah, he's just playing hard to get.

>>383
(wow, where'd that come from? Evadne is a young troll, and a bit odd even for trolls besides; we know you're not using her as an allegory for all womankind, just like Iustus isn't an allegory for all malekind. You're cool, we're cool.)

> Yes! Music to soothe the savage beast! (nevermind that she's using it to soothe you *cough*)
> IUSTUS: Time to sing a duet with your matesprit.

>>482
I'm just doing what feels funny to me. :p

>Evadne: Wonder when this sweet duet is going to start.

Don't go breaking my multi-chambered complex muscular vascular orgaaaaaaaaaan.

>Iustus: Feel extremely silly as you sing in costumes.

>>586
>Secretly enjoy it. A lot.

While you feel extremely silly in this costume, the experience makes you feel freer than you've ever felt before and you can't get enough of it.

Nobody must ever know.

this image has been deleted, edited, and reposted because I forgot that .1 second was TOO FUCKING FAST

> Commence sloppy makeouts

>Sing another, faster-paced duet.

Oh my this is good fun! And isn't she a delightful chanteuse? Singing together, two voices as one, horns to horns, face to face... lips to lips...

>...what the?
>...who turned off the music? And what happened to the lights?

>>585
Another fantastic success story.

>>690
I FUCKING LOL'D
YOU SIR OR MADAM HAVE MADE MY DAY

>>690

>Iustus: Wonder when that royalty check will be arriving.

>>596

>Iustus: Suddenly realize you are on the lam and it would be highly dishonorable of you to drag your newfound matesprit into your problems.

>>722
> Iustus: Scratch that, make her the Bonnie to your Clyde and go on a whirlwind disestablishment adventure/romance the likes of which no one has seen before or since.

> Marvel at JPEG artifacts that infest the (your?) hive

Evande says you should follow your dreams. And that she will help you.

Naturally, you think this is insane. But then she shows you her FOUR-WHEELED LOCOMOBILE. You say ok. You and she will paint the town black and white with propaganda.

The two of you set off to enact some anti-establishment shenanigans.

YESSSSS

> Beep the horn! Beep the horn!

>>837
Remember that you don't know how to drive.

>>843
>>855
>Beep the horn, warning pedestrians that you don't know how to drive!

>>837
Beep beep meow.

Hey wait a second YOU DO NOT KNOW HOW TO DRIVE A CAR. The vehicle bucks and sputters as it tries to stall, but somehow keeps going. In your mad flailing you happen to his the horn a lot, warning everyone around you that you do not know how this damn thing works. You should have known you couldn't drive this thing! You're in sprite mode, your feet can't reach the pedals!

And to make you feel that much worse, Evadne thinks this whole thing is hilarious.

>Make the most of it and scatter some phamplets before you crash.

>The Emergency Brake is there for a reason, Iustus! Stop this foolishness- and by extension, this car- at once!

>>875
>when you get a new car and you're feelin' like a star, whatcha gon do

Evadne takes the wheel. You wonder why she let you drive if she knew you didn't know how... furthermore you wonder why you let yourself drive! This thing is a lot more physically demanding than flying a dirigible.

>>875
>>911

Oh sweet lord, this is hilarious.

>Milli: lol forever

>>948
>>911
>Evadne: Engage gangsta-as-fuck hydraulics.
>Iustus: Engage motion sickness.

>>1022

Seconding Evadne's gangsta stylings, and Iustus trying desperately not to throw up all over the place.

>>1022
>>1033
That's silly! Why would she use the hydraulics? They're in the front seat right now.

Iustus still gets a rude case of motion sickness, however.

>Iustus: THIS ISN'T THE TIME FOR PUKING YOUNG MAN. YOU SPREAD THOSE FLIERS RIGHT NOW.

>>1048
Suddenly remember how trolls reproduce.[/spolier][spoiler]WUH OH!
Evadne's current thought process:
>Iustus throws up in my car.
>He wants to fuck.

I don't know if that's really how trolls reproduce, BUT THAT SURE SOUNDS LIKE EVADNE

IT KEEPS HAPPENING

>>1231
lol

EVADNE & IUSTUS: Go on Titanic-esque date

>>1232
>Iustus: paint Evadne wearing only her necklace.
>...
>Evadne wearing only the necklace, that is.

>>1213
Now wanting "Advice Evadne"

>MATESPRIT IS RECKLESSLY DRIVING
>FIND THIS HILARIOUS

>>1213
is referring to some fanon. NSFtrolls, so I posted it over in >>/aart/2578
(took me forever to find it; I really have to sort my NSFW folder)

IT'S A PERIGREE MIRACLE

>>1272
Yeah, the problem with that is Karkat says "has any female ever looked at your body and not vomited?" (paraphrase) to Sollux and he was definitely not trying to compliment him at the time.

HELLZ YEAH

>>1280
Link to this.
NOW.

>>1281
http://memegenerator.net/evadne

Bam.

Room for me on this bandwagon?

oh my god these are great you guys

anyhow i won't be updating for a while seeing as my buddy is back from deployment and he absconded me and shisno to wisconsin for a few days

but by this weekend i'll be back and ready to do more things

Now that that's over with you start flinging strongly-worded propaganda out of the moving motor vehicle, but not before the both of you don some CLEVER DISGUISES.

It's the perfect crime.

>>1874
>Officers of the law: Catch wise instantly.

>>1874

So THAT'S who pasted these damn flyers on my retailivator! WHEN I FIND YOU DAMN KIDS I'M GONNA... ooooo!

>Car chase: were doing it man were making this HAPEN

Then this happens.

BEE BOO BEE BOO BEE BOO BEE BOO

Look at this. Can you believe these jokers? That enforcement vehicle isn't even armed. You're being chased by the Alternian equivalent of a bike cop.

>Evasive maneuvers.

>>1951
That polisycophant vehicle is still pretty fast though. You'd better get rid of some ballast so your car can go faster. ... you know that makes zeppelins go faster, anyways. Couldn't hurt.

>>1951
>not even armed
You SURE?

> Discard filled pail from previous quality time together.

>>1994
> Use filled pail as an impromptu oil slick.

Despite some good tricks by Evadne, they're hot on your tail! You start chucking things out the window to lighten the load. You accidentally chuck out that hot fresh pail while you're at it, and the wretched scene that ensues is too lurid for an imageboard like this and the artist (more like 'fart'ist) is lazy tonight.

The police vehicle is disabled and disappears behind you.

You take off your disguises and assume the guise of a couple out on a leisurely drive.

Us: 1
Them: 0

>>2012
WELL DERRRRRP

>Car: Two words: Alternia Drift

>>2074
>Two more words: Hell Yes.

>>2011
> Officers: Agree to never speak of this again.

>>2109
you
fucking
OWN

>>2074
That sure freaked Iustus out but good! Unfortunately the fartist cannot animate worth shit and skips ahead a few minutes. Apparently they're buying groceries, but since they came here knowingly they know what they need and the PRICES and VALUES are no hindrance.

Evadne asks your opinion on a packet of tea biscuits. You say they're okay. They go in the basket.

Oh come on I bet not everything YOU do is exciting!

Uh oh. Sounds like you've been tailed here. Fortunately the authorities around here know nothing of subtlety and clearly announce their presence over the intercom.

Evadne thinks quickly and finds some CLEVER DISGUISES for you both to wear, which is admittedly a lot better than your idea, which was to bomb the place and run out the back.

You ask why she chose a Matesprit of Frangensgein wig. She says it seemed fitting.

You don't know what that means.

>>2127
"ATTENTION SHOPPERS! Please proceed to the checkout counters, in an orderly and disciplined manner with your current items. Two POLICE OFFENCEIFIERS are here at the entrance and will be interviewing people on the lookout for an ARISTOCRAT who was having sexual relations with PRINTER'S INK in the back of a car. If this man or woman would come forward, the police have promised no physical violence, on the way to a fair trial, followed by a swift execution. And while you're confessing your deviant behaviour, don't forget to check out our specials on high-fibre grubmeal in aisle 5."

Evidently they're looking for only one suspect, but you keep your disguises on, if only for your excessive paranoia. Evadne thinks it's silly, but you wear the disguises all the way through the checkout. You escape with only minimal hassling from the offencifiers because of Evadne's status.

>Swap disguises to make them even MORE effective! Nobody would see it coming!

You make a clean getaway. The best kind of getaway.

Oh, looks like that spare tire's been stuffed full of propaganda. And is dumping it.

Thanks to legal precedent, no troll is responsible for what comes out of their spare tire. It was a strange case, and admittedly all parties were found clinically insane and culled shortly afterward, but it's a commonly-exploited thing. Literally everyone does it.

>>2133
TA: Ma'am, pardon my inquiry, but have you recently had sexual congress with a printing press?
GC: Oh my, heavens no! My matesprit and I were just doing a bit of shopping.
TA: Is this your matesprit, ma'am? Sir, are you or have you ever been a typography machine?
UA: Nyet... uh...
GC: You'll have to excuse him, he's a foreigner.
UA: Da! Da! uh... пойти поесть крыса, вы капиталистических собак.
GC: See? Just wishing you good luck in apprehending the villain.
UA: Рабочие, сбросить с себя иго аристократии!
TA: uh, thank you sir, you too.

after seeing >>2109 I realized that Iustus's black blood actually DOES have some uses... such as not looking like blood.

>Go to a pharmacy to purchase more pails.

Hehehe.

>>2212
Oh hell no. You've had quite enough of pails for one day.

Wait what's Evadne doing. Where's she driving.
OH GOGDAMMIT SHE'S DOING JUST THAT.

Evadne says she'll get the pails so you don't freak out and cause a scene. She tells you to order a phosphate and wait for her at the bar.

You obey like a good dogbeast agree with this because you know how it'd end. It'd end with bombs being thrown and even more heat from the authorities.

>>2590
also I did not make that flag, I grabbed it from the fallout wiki and someone other than the fallout people made it so if you're the one who made it, thanks for making such a good-looking flag

Please, wriggler, I'm not from troll hhavana!

>Knock back some liquid courage.

> Who's this jerk?

This would be the phosphate jerk, working the phosphate bar in town.

He wasn't always working as a bartenderizer at a retailivator. Once upon a time, he was a member of the highblood nautical aristocracy, but your fortune lost due to an exploding lusus corpse dropping out of the sky, ruining your hive and your entire stock of allow author to insert item here, I'm already adding a character. Oh how the mighty have fallen.

What? Yeah, you had insurance, but the sonofabitch said it was a 'FLARPing accident' and not covered under your policy. You were ruined, and put into indentured servitude like some maroon mudblood. Man, if you knew what that insurance swindler looked like, you'd cut him open in a Troll-York minute!

So now you work bar, and like all bartenderizers, you cheer up patrons by letting them listen to your woes, and pouring them drinks.

What appalling service. Nobody to be seen, and you're actually quite thirsty for a Lennenade, a product that's somehow still on the market despite being named after one of the most well-known anti-Imperial historical figures.

They say when they came to cull him, he used nothing but his mastery of words to turn the squad of IMPERIAL CULLTIVATORS against their masters. Now that is talent.

You've been reading his books since you got into this whole revolutionary thing. They're hard to come by, but you've been lucky enough to obtain almost the complete set of his published works, and even a few of his personal notes. You study them religiously.

Rumor has it the recipe was one of his own design, tailored specifically to quench the heated thirst of thousands of fiery revolutionaries with a single sip...

GOGDAMMIT NOW YOU'RE REALLY THIRSTY.

>Shout for service.

>liberate the means of thirst reduction

SEEEHRVIIICE!

Gog it's like this soda jerk hates their job or something. What are they, some moron who didn't buy insurance that covered FLARP-related damage and lost their entire collection of insipid SHITTY BROKEN TABLE ART?

You shout over the counter that if they don't get their posterior muscle pads in gear you'll take the drinks yourself and void the place's insurance. You say you know how to do that, and that it's easier than they think.

I have a feeling I know who this soda guy is...

>>2660

>>2666
Oh my god YEEEESSSSSSSS
>Karkat: Act polite and struggle to apologize while secretly doing unmentionable things to his food.

>>2694
>This but be a NORMAL troll instead of a 'fake polite' troll. I mean what kind of troll DOES that? Cripples in wheelchairs with large bull horns. That's who.

>>2694
or alternately, do unmentionable things to the food with no attempt to hide it

>>2666
>>/art/7710

Gog finally.

The soda jerker asks what you want through gritted teeth.

You say you want a Lennenade.

He starts going on about some shit that happened to him.

You say shut up and get the drink.

He shuts up long enough to get you your "unruly redblood swwill".

Then he starts going again.

Gog this guy is not getting a tip.

You fake like you're listening to this asshole's sob story.

Did he say insurance? Okay now you have to pipe up.

You tell him that insurance rules stipulate that terms are very clearly laid-out, and that if he didn't have a FLARP-related incident policy, it's his own fault.

He asks how you know.

You say you used to run an insurance business.

He asks if it happened to be Vermilion Persistent Insurance.

Oh great. You remember this asshole.

You say yes, and that you told him when he bought the policy that you suggested such measures because his hive was located in an area known for a high amount of FLARP-related damages.

He just stares at you and asks if you have any famous last words.

>>2888
"Either the curtains go or I do!"

You say, "Not yet."

You knew you'd find a use for this thing someday.

Probably ought to name it. Something like "The Peoples' Pantswetter" or "The Oligarch's Laxative".

He runs into the back, presumably to cry. Once again you are victorious in your struggle against oppression! And Evadne didn't see you pull that weapon on him. She's more into peaceful protest, and would probably get mad if she saw you...

Shit.

>>2891

> picks up the conksuck idea from the audience
> plays it straight
> twist at the last moment AND advances plot
Well done, sir!

EVADNE: Oh non vous di'nt!

>Evadne: >:(

Iustus: be in the doghouse

literally

>Iustus: Quickly! Distract her by doing an acrobatic (accountant-tastic?) fucking pirouette off the bar stool.

You exit the establishment. The car is no longer there. The authorities have taken it. There's not much you can do. All you have is your wits and your beautiful matesprit. You've got to make it back to her hive - the one safe place left - before they can find you. It will be a hard journey, but with love on your side, there's nothing that will stop the two of you.

You ask Evadne if it's really necessary to read the movie poster out loud. She says she's still cross with you, and this is your punishment.

You have no choice but to accept it. Just follow her back to the car.

>Hooligans: Abscond with car tire.

OH COME ON WHO STEALS A SPARE TIRE?

You're all set to go on a rant when Evadne points out that the car is intact, so the thieves were probably revolutionaries too.

This makes you happy, while at the same time disappointed. You kind of wanted to rant.

>Evadne: Reveal what's under your hat.

>Iustus: Insist you drive to safety before the sun comes up and the rainbowdrinkers emerge to feed on the hemospectrum of the living.

This isn't good. The sun is due to come up before too long, and you don't want to get caught in its rays. You remember the last time it happened...

Begin Flashback.

Flashback: IT BUUUUUUUUHRNS!

End Flashback.

Also, while you officially deride it as superstitious bunk, the thought of rainbowdrinkers secretly FREAKS YOU OUT. You'd bring this up but you don't want Evadne to think you're any more silly than she likely already does.

Oh great. Fear sweat. Just what you needed.

You are about to suggest the two of you speed on home when Evadne up and announces she's going to show you what's under her hat.

It's hair. Stylishly done. Why anyone would assume such a perfect troll could be hiding something beneath her hat confounds yo-

You did not expect anything like this. She says it's the humidity. That's pretty much all there is to say.

> Iustus: Be perfectly accepting of your matesprit's hairstyle. Show this with a display of affection.

>Evadne: Jump his bone(bulge)s.

Evadne puts her hat back on, a little embarrassed. You decide to show her you don't hold her hair against her by kissing her lightly on the cheek, easily the most affectionate thing you've done unprompted before.

There is no possible way anything could turn this situation around on you.

or is there?

>>3774
> Trollcops: the pail tosser couldn't possibly be the couple in the boot of that car -- NObody is lucky enough to get laid that frequently. Search somewhere else.