LoAdInG... wAiTiNg FoR a MiRaClE... :o)


"TeLl GaMzEe To Do ShIt" by Wren

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This story follows from the adventure story "Tavros Quest," but this time a juggalo has centre stage instead of a nickel-kneed woobie.


When asked for a self-description blurb, the author had this to say: "You again? I'm calling the police!" Wren has produced truckloads of work, both fan-art and original stories. You can find more of his portfolio at deviantart.


> Continue on to Chapter 3

Your name is CLUBS DEUCE. For some reason you are holding what appears to be an electronic drawing tablet. Images of strange, bewildering adventures flash through your head as your hand itches mysteriously to draw things.


> Clubs Deuce: Recap.

You try to control the flurry of images flashing through your head long enough to settle down on a chronologically correct course of action to describe. It all started with Tavros Nitram. Tavros was introduced and then immediately ordered to drink Faygo with his friend Gamzee Makara. But because Gamzee lived so far away, Tavros was forced to figure out some way in which he could get to his best buddie's respiteblock. Remembering that he possessed a rocket chair, Tavros flew to Gamzee's respiteblock. He was promptly dumped to the ground as the rocket chair careened across the Capricorn's lawn in Tavros' excitement (and lack of attentiveness). Tavros knocked politely on Gamzee's door, to the other's disapproval. He was pretty badly hungover from some sopor slime he'd consumed earlier. Gamzee crawled out of his recuperacoon and walked to the door, completely forgetting that he was utterly stark naked. Tavros beheld his glorious, alien junk and was speechless. And then as Gamzee moved in closer for a hug, the boy began to flip out a little. Gamzee couldn't resist touching Tavros' silky smooth hair and an incredibly awkward moment ensued. Unknown to the two standing in Gamzee's doorway, Vriska Serket was watching from the bushes, spying on Tavros. She was curiously meddling, wondering what could get the formerly cripple boy so excited. She tailed him, then hid in the bushes. At this moment, she leapt from the bushes, twigs and leaves in her hair, laughing uproariously in a vicious manner. In his embarrassment, Tavros guided Gamzee back into the hive and away from the spider-witch's grasp. Luckily, she was too busy choking on air in her laughter to notice them slip away. When she noticed they were gone, she began to hatch another plan, twirling a mustache that grew conveniently right at that moment pretty sinisterly. Back in the hive, Tavros watched with embarrassment as Gamzee finally remembered to put some damn pants on. Tavros then, for the first time, noticed that Gamzee wasn't wearing his usual, weird clown paint. Tavros proceeded to fondle Gamzee's face, to Gamzee's slight disconcertion. To neutralize the moment, Gamzee then licked Tavros straight across the cheek. However, the moment was ruined as Gamzee stepped on a horn, scaring the shit out of both of them. This resulted in him falling over and onto several more horns which honked pretty loudly and scared them worse. Right after this, Vriska appeared in the doorway to inform the two struggling trolls that the hive's door was unlocked and that someone had smashed through the front window to take pictures of Gamzee licking Tavros' face. The two trolls absconded under a table at the sight of Vriska, the feared spider-witch. They took no notice of her sensible words to bring attention to slightly more disconcerting things. As they trembled under the table, they noticed Eridan Ampora who was glaring pretty angrily at them. This was mystifying in every way. For some reason, Gamzee believed this to be the perfect time to begin painting Tavros' face, and did so as Eridan threw extremely uncomfortable glares in Tavros' direction. While this took place, Vriska absconded from the hive with Gamzee's beloved recuperacoon, removing his only source of sopor slime. Oblivious to this, Gamzee reached over and jacked Eridan's glasses without warning, flipping out at the way they distorted everything. Eridan promptly began to panic as Gamzee decided that he desperately needed his face painted as well. Eridan complied, if only in his newfound helplessness. Gamzee then crawled out from under the table to get an assessment on the Vriska situation. He noticed immediately that his recuprecoon was nowhere to be seen and flipped out royally, dumping his only sopor slime pie on Eridan's face and knocking the Aquarius' glasses from his own face in the process. Vriska used the stolen recuperacoon to set up a legitimate small business Sopornade stand outside of Gamzee's respiteblock. This was an amazing scheme. In his distress, Gamzee licked the sopor slime from Eridan's face in a panic. Tavros sensed the distress and rose under the table to help his comrades. Unfortunately, he clocked himself in the head and decided to lay on the ground and recover instead. Nepeta Leijon then appeared at Vriska's Sopornade stand. She had been wandering about in the wilderness outside of Gamzee's respiteblock when she spotted the business. Her feline curiosity left her unable to leave the stand without some of the mysterious sopornade. Unfortunately, Vriska was charging exorbitant prices for the liquid. This appears to be the moment that you, Clubs Deuce, come into play. You ponder this for a few moments, but it's silly and you don't want to dwell on it. Gamzee is now standing outside of his respiteblock, thanking dieties of all natures for the sudden new supply of sopor slime.


> Jesus, shut up already and be Gamzee.

Fine, god. Relax already you ungrateful clod.



You are now Gamzee Makara.

What will you do?


> Gamzee: Get a broom to SMASH THAT SPIDER.

HONK HONK HONK!! You drub the spider with your trusty broom mercilessly!
Unfortunately, it has no effect. Unless you count how pissed off it's making her.


> Gamzee: ThErE bE uNiNvItEd GuEsTs Up In ThIs BiTcH. fLiP tHe FuCk oUt AnD sHoO tHeY'rE bItCh AsSeS oFf YoUr LaWn, Yo.

Get the hell out of here, you freeloading wenches! You swear to the mirthful minstrels!!!



Except you, Nepeta, you're cool.


> Gamzee: crash through the stand like the Kool-Aid man

You run around it instead since you're not STRONG like Equius and would probably break your kneecaps if you tried to do such a thing.




All the way across Skaia. It's beautiful. Life is beautiful.


> Nepeta: Drink your sodornape, you paid good money for it.

The mysteries pique your feline curiosity to the breaking point! You finally take a long-awaited sip.



You promptly put on your biggest asshole pouty face once you're out of the spotlight. Not that you'd be able to tell anyway since you're pretty much blind without your glasses. But that's beside the fuckin point.


> Eridan: Start to feel the effects of the sopor slime toxins seeping through your face skin.

Okay, suddenly pouting doesn't seem so important. You feel... kind of relaxed. So chill. Everything's okay. Land-dwellers are okay. Actually, land-dwellers are awesome. You fuckin lovve land-dwwellers.


> Eridan and Nepeta: Get completely fucked up on sopor slime and do things you will regret later.

Holy fuckin shit. Nep. Nep. Do you see this shit? Holy fuck.

She sees it. By god, how she sees it.


> Nepeta: ascend to godhood.

You become an omnipotent, omniscient being. You have all the power and knowledge. All of it.

And everything is beautiful.


> Gamzee: Load up on that sweet sodornape. You earned it.

While Eridan and Nepeta are lying on the ground like slugs, you tap your recuperacoon for sweet sodor--err sopor slime.


> Vriska: Go inside.

While everyone else is getting hopped up on sopor slime (and while one little wiggler lies under a table passed out like a ST8PID LITTLE GRUB WHO POOPS IN HIS P8NTS), you slip into Gamzee's hive.



> Vriska: Kiss 8vryone not th8 th8y are to weak to def8nd themselves!

> Tavros: find yourself cornered by the spider bitch, use Gamzee's scrumpy bottle for self defense

> Nepeta: Drink from the fountain of cute.

> Vriska: Find and pilfer valuable loot.

> Eridian: realize you can't actually see the miracles without your glasses and seek out a substitute.

> Sollux: Stop by to repair Gamzee's husktop. Dumbath dropped it in the ablution trap AGAIN.

> Gamzee: Lose control of the broom. The damned cleaning device has a mind of its own. And it wants BLOOD.

> Tavros: Spider-bitch senses! Tingling!

> Vriska: Replace those dumb grim clown posters with pictures of hunky dreamboat Nicolas Cage.

> Nepeta: Attempt to hump Eridan's leg. Instead collapse together in a painful pile of entangled limbs.

> Gamzee: Collect Nepeta and Eridan and folick across the countryside spreading the joys of sopor pies.

> MSPAchan: encounter yet another shitty hosting company, and lose all your backups. All of them.

Whelp, that's the end of this story.